SETELAH MENIKAH, PEREMPUAN ITU...

Beberapa waktu lalu, aku pernah mengunggah pertanyaan di Instagram tentang perubahan yang kamu rasakan setelah menikah (foto insta story ada di bawah). Tulisan di bawah ini adalah jawaban teman-teman, baik teman dekatku maupun teman-teman yang bertemu di sosial media - juga jawaban Mim, my mum. Terima kasih teman-teman yang sudah mempercayaiku untuk berbagi pengalaman dan berdiskusi tentang menapaki bagian baru hidup kita menjadi seorang istri (dan juga Ibu bagi yang sudah menjadi orang tua). Terima kasih juga memperbolehkanku mengutip jawaban kalian dan menulisnya di blog ini!
First of all... 
Menikah itu menyenangkan. Kamu bisa hidup dan membangun mimpi-mimpi, kehidupan, dan banyak belajar dari pasanganmu atau sekelilingmu. Kamu menjalani kehidupan dengan sahabatmu, orang yang tulus mencintai, menyayangi, dan menghargai kamu apa adanya tanpa ada kaitan darah. Pasangan itu idealnya adalah anggota terbaik dari tim kehidupan yang kamu punya. It's all about team work! It takes two sides to build the bridge dan dalam hal ini, jembatan yang sedang dibangun itu adalah kehidupan yang sedang kalian jalani bersama. 
Your husband (or partner, spouse) should be your biggest supporter. Segala jenis dukungan datang dari dia. 
They are your greatest love, your rock, your life companion, your soul mate. 
Menikah itu seru! Banyak hal yang sebelumnya Aku gak pernah terpikir, hal-hal baru yang membuat aku bisa bilang 'oh gini ya rasanya nikah' atau 'enak ya punya suami', sampai 'kok baru sekarang sih? kenapa gak dari dulu aja!' daaan banyak lagi!! 😂
Tapi... Berumah tangga itu tidak selalu bahagia, pasti ada masa-masa yang terasa berat, menantang, bahkan sulit untuk dilalui. Life is not always roses and daisies, so does marriage. 
Tujuanku menulis post ini untuk teman-teman perempuan, khususnya para istri, supaya tidak merasa sendirian. Apapun yang kamu rasakan, ada banyak orang di luar sana yang merasakan apa yang kamu rasakan juga. Apa yang kamu lakukan sudah lebih dari cukup. Kamu sudah melakukan apa yang kamu bisa, semaksimal mungkin. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is our first time to be a human. 

Setelah menikah, perempuan itu... 

FROM ME TO ME

Today is my birthday. Another year has passed, and my growth journey is still going. This year, I intend to bloom the best I can be. Although, still, I don't want to push myself too hard. Something that begins with 'too' is never kind.
I’ve learned the importance of setting realistic expectations for myself and understanding that it’s okay not to achieve everything all at once. Instead of pushing myself to meet unattainable goals, I focus on what’s truly possible in the given moment. I allow myself to be more kind and patient with myself, especially during times of uncertainty. Rather than getting frustrated with setbacks, I now see them as part of the process, and I adjust my goals, ensuring they align with my current abilities and energy levels.
I’ve also committed to setting healthy boundaries with myself. This means recognizing when I need to rest when to say no, and when to prioritize my mental and physical well-being. By respecting my limits, I believe that I can approach challenges with a clearer mind and a more grounded perspective. Listening more to myself is definitely a must in this journey. 
I am done putting others above myself.I will only give the same energy they give me, no more, no less.
I deserve to be well-treated, respected and loved. 

2024

2024 was a year of growth. It was a difficult one, full of challenges. I don't hate this year, but it's not easy to forgive, either.
A lot has happened in one year, from all of the ups and downs, 2024 was giving everything. There have been moments where I felt like I couldn't pass through the year, but thankfully, my support system is the best I've ever had.
2024 showed me how to trust myself more. I rebuild myself again. My relationship with myself was tested again. I've promised myself I would never go back to where I used to be. I won't. I worked so hard to be where I am now. I feel like my best self after such a long time, so I would never throw my effort all these years like it was nothing.
This year taught me that my health is my priority, be it physical, mental or emotional health. I'm not someone who is blessed with prime physical health, and of course, it can be challenging for my mental health as well. Despite everything, I relearned how to take care of my well-being in the best way possible. 
If there's something I learned the most from this year, it is that not every question needs an answer immediately. Not every action needs a reaction. We might not realise this, but this is one of many ways in life to make a space in you for something greater, and sometimes we mistake it as a punishment. 
2024 was not easy, but it was necessary. An eye, mind and heart opener. So, thank you, 2024! 

END OF YEAR REFLECTION

Time in 2024 flies so fast yet so compact. I feel like I live 3 years of my life in one year and that's something! Through ups and downs I've through this year, I found myself stronger and wiser than I was before. That's something worth to celebrate. Yourself is always worth to celebrate.
Anyway, here are questions I answer for my end of year reflection.

• What am I most proud of this year?
• How did I change and grow?
• Who did I feel my best around? 
• My most grateful moments were... 
• Who did I lean on the most?
• What could Ihave done differently?
• What was the biggest challenge?
• I felt happiest when... 
• My biggest lesson was...
• The best advice I received in 2024 was... 
• What is my main goal next year?
• How was this year made me feel?

I wish 2025 will be better year for everyone. Happy new year!!

BALI (III)

This month marks 2 years since I packed my life and moved to Bali. This beautiful island has been so kind to me - reconnected with some of my old friends, gave me beautiful opportunities, and most importantly, personal growth. 
Not every day here is filled with roses and daisies, but it is always so much better, even when things are hard. Mainly because I surround myself with people who are good for my mental health. So when things get rough to the point it's threatening my mental health, I still can manage. 
I am proud of myself for how far I've come. To be the person that I am today, I worked so hard. Countless hours of crying, stopping myself from doing things I should not do, therapy sessions, medicine, and everything that is humanly possible, I have done it. 
So, honestly, this is not solemnly about Bali. This is about how I distance myself to put together pieces by pieces of me. This is about how I give myself a second chance in life, to rebuild my life, and to reintroduce myself to the world. This is about me allowing myself to be vulnerable yet so powerful. This is about me finding my strength. I am not a perfect person, I will never be. But you know what? 
I am perfectly imperfect and that's beautiful.

THE ONE

There's no right or wrong answer to this question: how do you know he's the one? I used to wonder about that too and the more I thought about it, the more I realised, I wouldn't understand until I felt it. 

It's completely normal to have that question lingering in your mind. We don't want to waste our time, feelings, and energy with the wrong person. Some people want to bring the relationships to the legally binding, and some want both parties to reach the same level of commitment. One thing that we all share in common is to have a good relationship with a good person. A relationship is each other's commitment. 

It can be so easy to say 'I love him!' at the beginning of the relationship. We are filled with the excitement, the joy and perhaps certain expectations. Sometimes, we are also blinded by the idea of love. People cross each other's paths for reasons. And naturally, we hope the reason is a wonderful one.

If there have to be signs that you have found the one, these are probably what I can tell you, purely based on my understanding and experience. Please note, that I am not an expert in relationships or love, these are purely my opinions.

BERDAMPINGAN DENGAN DEPRESI

Aku cukup terbuka dengan kesehatan mental-ku di sosial media, tapi mungkin aku gak pernah benar-benar menjelaskan bagaimana rasanya hidup dengan depresi dan anxiety. Tujuanku membagikan pengalamanku ini (semoga) bisa meningkatkan kesadaran tentang kesehatan mental. Masih banyak orang yang kurang memerhatikan kesehatan mental karena "tidak terlihat". Hanya karena tidak kasat mata, bukan berarti tidak penting, ya. 
Kesehatan mental sama pentingnya dengan kesehatan fisik.
Aku bersyukur sekarang di Indonesia, pandangan masyarakat tentang kesehatan mental sudah lebih luas, well sudah seharusnya begitu. Toh topik kesehatan mental bukanlah sesuatu yang tabu. Semua orang seharusnya sedikit banyak paham tentang ini, bukan hanya orang-orang yang didiagnosa saja. Gak sedikit orang-orang yang struggle dengan kesehatan mental merasa malu dan takut untuk dihakimi, takut disebut gila, takut disebut stress. Siapa sih sekarang yang gak stress? Aku rasa semua orang punya stress-nya masing-masing. Semua punya beban yang perlu dipikul.

RELATIONSHIP CHECK-IN

My partner and I have a routine we call relationship check-in, in which we ask each other the same questions every month. We have done this since the beginning of our relationship. I think this is very important as this routine allows us to be honest with ourselves and each other. Doing relationship check-in also helps us be better people for ourselves and each other and supports our relationship to grow better.
We begin by asking questions and then thanking each other for being honest and willing to work together in this relationship. And of course, end the check-in with a big, warm hug and a kiss on the forehead.
Here are the questions for the relationship check-in.

1. How connected are you feeling in the relationship?
2. Do we have enough quality time together?
3. Is there anything I am doing that's been annoying you lately? 
4. Is there anything I've stopped doing that you miss?
5. How can we have more fun together?
6. Is there anything you want us to work on?
7. How healthy do you feel our relationship is?
8. Do you feel loved by me?
9. What have you done for yourself in the past month?
10. What have you got coming up this month and how can I support you?

I hope you and your partner find a beautiful and healthy relationship. Everyone deserves that <3

A DAY IN LIFE | TAKING MYSELF ON A RELAXING DATE

I've been having a hard time with myself lately, mostly struggling with eating disorders. Lately, see my reflection in the mirror somewhat extremely challenging. I often skip meals or not eating at all, I also caught myself having an idea of purging again.

It's hard.

I told my partner about my struggles, and he offered both comfort and assurance. But healing comes from within - it comes from me. I can't rely my healing journey on others, no matter how supportive and helpful they are, if I can't fight this, it will never work.

So, I decided to have a pretty chill, relaxing day today. 

This is a day in my life in Ubud, Bali.

I FEEL STRANGE

My partner has been taking care of me endless times for the past few weeks, as life has been pretty challenging for me.

I wasn't in my best state - I skipped meals and/or had my meal late. I fell in the bathroom and hit my head so hard that I spent days in the hospital. I found out there was something unusual in my brain, and it added up to my personal medical mystery. Most days, I woke up tired.

I've had a few mental breakdowns - mostly from seeing my reflection in the mirror. I hate how I look, especially in my favourite clothes. Facing my phobia. Triggered and reliving my trauma. And then the bad thought haunted me, again.

I miss my family, being away from them is always a strange feeling. I miss my fur babies. I miss my flowers. Also, I miss my good old Aussie days. 

Yet at the same time, so many exciting and big things coming my way, professional and personal lives, and I'm over the moon! Working on the projects gets me hooked up, something I look forward to every single day. Somehow it's so therapeutic to plan and organise those things. I feel even more alive.

Isn't it insane what mental illness can do to you? I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

One night he softly cares my head as I leaned on his chest, crying. He said this is a phase I have to get through because I'm one step closer to being healed.

If it is, then I'm willing to endure and be stronger. I'm willing to push through my limit.

My love, thank you for being so understanding and patient. You are there for me when I couldn't be there for myself🤍

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER TRAUMA

Being able to open up to new people after a traumatic experience(s) is not easy. We become more aware of the red flags - often feel like we are too aware. For trauma survivors or those who are experiencing traumatic relationships, the act of deepening relationships can be challenging. 

Today I want to talk about my own experience of starting to open up to people again and how to be in a relationship after a traumatic one.

Keep in mind, I am not an expert. What I share is purely based on my journey.

Happy Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day!

To my fellow wonderful, strong, briliant and independent women out there, let's celebrate our identity as woman in this very important day. I hope you received all the beautiful things and receive only kindness in life. 
Have faith and trust yourself, we as women make the world a better place with our nurturing and softness yet fierce self. 
Cheers to being a woman <3

Romanticising My Life

Have you tried romanticising your love? For years, I've been scared to do it because I felt my life wasn't good enough to be romanticised. I was always so anxious that I'd jinxed the happiness. To be honest, I still am. But here's the thing.
It's right for me to appreciate all the happiness I have now.It's right for me to romanticise everything happening in my life now.
Why?Well, it's simple. Why not? :)
There's nothing wrong with imagining your life as a film - one character would meet others, the narrative your life would have in specific scenes, the music score, and even the colour palate. Seeing your life as a film is something you can do to appreciate all the details and not take your days for granted.
Romanticising your life can be a form of mindfulness. It will give you a fresh perspective on mundane moments. Here are some simple ways to romanticise your life - taken from an ordinary day-to-day routine!

I FINALLY FOUND LOVE

Back in 2018, I was once engaged to someone I thought would be my forever. I was over the moon! The thought of marrying one of my best friends (we've been friends for 10 years!) was something I considered a magical thing I could ever ask for. However, the relationship went south, the true colour shown, and the next thing I knew, I was badly abused, traumatised, and hurt.
My world collided.

KINDNESS WEEK

Random Acts of Kindness is celebrated this week on the 17th of February! Are you excited? I am! Personally, I agree to celebrate kindness at least for one week instead of just for one day. We have more time and space to share more kindness with people around us and the environment as well. Of course, we have to practise kindness every single day but have a special week to celebrate it hits differently!
Being kind or helping others is good for our mental health and well-being. It feels good to see the smiles and hear how the person we help or being kind to express their gratitude. Also, can reduce stress and improve mood and bring happiness to us.
Here are some ideas to celebrate kindness week:

1. Compliment three people you talk to each day
2. Write a gratitude email or note to a coworker who deserves more recognition each day
3. Email or text a former teacher who made a difference in your life once a day
4. Call your parents! Tell them how much they mean in your life
5. Call or leave a voice memo to someone who brings happiness into your life 
6. Leave a 'have a great day' note on someone's car in a parking lot
7. Make two lunches and give one to someone
8. Give biscuits or cookies to a neighbour or your landlord
9. Support a local restaurant and give a tip
10. Buy flowers or your favourite food because you deserve it! Being kind to other people is important but being kind to yourself should be your priority.

Happy Kindness Week!

2023

If you asked me 5 years ago, what was my plan 5 years from now? I'd say "I am probably already married and have a child!"

If you asked me 4 years ago, what was my plan years from now? I'd still say the same because, at that time, I thought I had found my 'the one'.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, the answer would be totally different. I'd answer "I don't know. I'm probably already dead".

If you asked me today, as you read this post, the answer had changed. My answer now is "I hope next year I get only goodness in life because I deserve it and I've been through a lot!" 

Today is the last day of 2022 and I am happier than years before.

I am healthier mentally and psychically. 

I haven't found myself yet but I'm getting there!

I have started to put pieces of me into one and it's been great so far.

2023 will be the year I am prioritising myself, loving myself even more and giving so much love I have only to those who love me especially when I feel like I'm impossible to love.

I hope your 2023 will be better than 2022 <3

Now and Then

Last year on this very day, the exact time, I attempted to end my life altogether for the first time.

Today, I live away from the hustle and bustle of the city, with a clearer mind, a more colourful heart and a peaceful soul. 

I live in an environment where nobody judges but supports every achievement I have. 

I’m more open and comfortable talking to my parents about my illness - surviving major depression, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts when I thought it was impossible to do so. 

I have two sisters who are more than siblings to me but are the core of my strength. 

I have amazing best friends who constantly remind me how much I mean to their lives. 

Live with an amazing uncle and aunty who taught me a lot about life and everything in between. 

I have a boyfriend who makes me feel loved and protected. 

The job motivates me to get up every morning.

Clean Slate

Wow.Wow!
Sudah terlalu lama sampai aku lupa bagaimana memulai blog post-ku. Beberapa tahun ke belakang, aku memang menjauh, bahkan melupakan semua sosial mediaku termasuk blog. Bukan karena aku lupa password atau terlalu sibuk, or whatnot, aku memilih untuk tidak muncul di sosial media. Bukan hanya sosial media, bahkan dari kolega, teman, keluarga. I wasn't myself for years.
I have to. For my own good.For my safety.For my sanity.
Kalau kamu mengenalku, tentu tahu aku sangat aktif di sosial media. Instastory setidaknya tiga atau empat kali sehari, satu atau dua tweets, atau satu post dalam sebulan di blogku ini. Ketika aku memutuskan untuk menghilang, aku menghapus semua aplikasi di ponselku, bahkan aku terbilang jarang sekali memegang ponselku. Mungkin hanya tiga kali dalam seminggu, itu pun paling sering. Di masa menghilang itu, hanya sedikit yang bingung atau sadar kalau aku gak ada di sosial media.
Kenapa? Apa yang terjadi sampai si social butterfly ini hengkang begitu saja dari sosial media? Menghilang tanpa berkata sepatah katapun? 
Jawabannya? 
Clinical depression.Severe anxiety disorder.Suicidal.
:)
Aku gak banyak cerita, mungkin hanya beberapa orang yang tahu garis besarnya. It's not an easy topic for me to talk about and also not a comfortable conversation to have. 
Saat ini, aku tidak lagi tinggal di kota kelahiranku. Tidak lagi tinggal bersama orang tuaku. Aku tinggal di tempat yang bisa membuat perasaan dan pikiranku tenang. Tinggal jauh dari hiruk pikuk kota dan bahan gosip kolega. Away from people who make me hate myself. 
This is a clean slate.As a fresh start, I'm hoping to be a happier, healthier me. I'm wishing for a better life and relationships.
I wish all of you the same.

BURN

told me to disappear 

but

asked me to feed you   told me to stay but begged me to die 
you,a human with a set of fire a monster with tons of flowers 
bees rang on my ears whispered, 
"go" 
a sparrow rested on my shoulder whispered,
"stay"

my shadow slapped me"let's leave," I was scared but I did 

I hiked the mountain of broken glasses tears and sweat became red
"keep going," I told myself 


my shadow was already on the hill"keep going, you're going to love it here."
but, do I trust her? 

BABY STEPS TO BECOME MORE SUSTAINABLE

I've been more aware of my wellness and environment for the past year, I'd say I've been pretty sustainable at this point and very proud of it. I wasn't really going big like completely stop using plastic, become more organic or even change my diet, but I've taken some little things seriously. 

Today I'm going to share with you how I take baby steps to become more sustainable without overstressing it or even overdoing it. These things that I do are so easy that you can start doing today.