2023

If you asked me 5 years ago, what was my plan 5 years from now? I'd say "I am probably already married and have a child!"

If you asked me 4 years ago, what was my plan years from now? I'd still say the same because, at that time, I thought I had found my 'the one'.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, the answer would be totally different. I'd answer "I don't know. I'm probably already dead".

If you asked me today, as you read this post, the answer had changed. My answer now is "I hope next year I get only goodness in life because I deserve it and I've been through a lot!" 

Today is the last day of 2022 and I am happier than years before.

I am healthier mentally and psychically. 

I haven't found myself yet but I'm getting there!

I have started to put pieces of me into one and it's been great so far.

2023 will be the year I am prioritising myself, loving myself even more and giving so much love I have only to those who love me especially when I feel like I'm impossible to love.

I hope your 2023 will be better than 2022 <3

He said She said

Have you ever been so in love that you forget everything?

1. Spend it with you - Kodaline
2. How long will I love you - Ellie Goulding
3. Butterflies Pt.2 - Queen Naija 
4. Falling so in love with you - Rome Hero Foxes 
5. You're gonna live forever in me - John Mayer

Now and Then

Last year on this very day, the exact time, I attempted to end my life altogether for the first time.

Today, I live away from the hustle and bustle of the city, with a clearer mind, a more colourful heart and a peaceful soul. 

I live in an environment where nobody judges but supports every achievement I have. 

I’m more open and comfortable talking to my parents about my illness - surviving major depression, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts when I thought it was impossible to do so. 

I have two sisters who are more than siblings to me but are the core of my strength. 

I have amazing best friends who constantly remind me how much I mean to their lives. 

Live with an amazing uncle and aunty who taught me a lot about life and everything in between. 

I have a boyfriend who makes me feel loved and protected. 

The job motivates me to get up every morning.

Clean Slate

Wow.Wow!
Sudah terlalu lama sampai aku lupa bagaimana memulai blog post-ku. Beberapa tahun ke belakang, aku memang menjauh, bahkan melupakan semua sosial mediaku termasuk blog. Bukan karena aku lupa password atau terlalu sibuk, or whatnot, aku memilih untuk tidak muncul di sosial media. Bukan hanya sosial media, bahkan dari kolega, teman, keluarga. I wasn't myself for years.
I have to. For my own good.For my safety.For my sanity.
Kalau kamu mengenalku, tentu tahu aku sangat aktif di sosial media. Instastory setidaknya tiga atau empat kali sehari, satu atau dua tweets, atau satu post dalam sebulan di blogku ini. Ketika aku memutuskan untuk menghilang, aku menghapus semua aplikasi di ponselku, bahkan aku terbilang jarang sekali memegang ponselku. Mungkin hanya tiga kali dalam seminggu, itu pun paling sering. Di masa menghilang itu, hanya sedikit yang bingung atau sadar kalau aku gak ada di sosial media.
Kenapa? Apa yang terjadi sampai si social butterfly ini hengkang begitu saja dari sosial media? Menghilang tanpa berkata sepatah katapun? 
Jawabannya? 
Clinical depression.Severe anxiety disorder.Suicidal.
:)
Aku gak banyak cerita, mungkin hanya beberapa orang yang tahu garis besarnya. It's not an easy topic for me to talk about and also not a comfortable conversation to have. 
Saat ini, aku tidak lagi tinggal di kota kelahiranku. Tidak lagi tinggal bersama orang tuaku. Aku tinggal di tempat yang bisa membuat perasaan dan pikiranku tenang. Tinggal jauh dari hiruk pikuk kota dan bahan gosip kolega. Away from people who make me hate myself. 
This is a clean slate.As a fresh start, I'm hoping to be a happier, healthier me. I'm wishing for a better life and relationships.
I wish all of you the same.