Being able to open up to new people after a traumatic experience(s) is not easy. We become more aware of the red flags - often feel like we are too aware. For trauma survivors or those who are experiencing traumatic relationships, the act of deepening relationships can be challenging.
Today I want to talk about my own experience of starting to open up to people again and how to be in a relationship after a traumatic one.
Keep in mind, I am not an expert. What I share is purely based on my journey.
It has been almost 5 years since I experienced an abusive relationship. It felt like forever to be on this healing journey. I'm not going to lie, it has been hell. I got professional help - intensive therapy and medications.
It took me almost four years to finally took myself out in public. It sounds extreme, but that's what happened. Until toward the end of 2022, I slowly met with people again, started with relatives, then close friends, and then it kept going. I was more confident to do more job interviews - meaning I met with strangers.
Mid August, I was hired by a school in Bali. I braved myself to accept the job and prepared myself to move to another island. By the end of October, I had moved to Bali by myself. For someone who struggles with PTSD, moving to a new place on her own is huge!
I'm so proud of myself!
In early November, I met with one of my old friends. Little did we know, the first meeting was just the beginning of our love story! It has never crossed my mind (and his too!) to date him. To explain our friendship - we are close, and we share our stories, but never hang out together until the day I went out with him on my first week living in Bali.
Everything happened so fast yet so right.
At the beginning of our relationship, I had this fear of what if this is another sweet beginning bitter ending? I have become more aware of red flags. I was being too cautious. But lucky me, because he knew almost everything about my past relationship, it was easier for me to communicate my feelings. I told him about every trigger that I was aware of.
I notice we don't need a perfect partner. We only need an understanding one.
Even though my partner tries his best to be understanding, nobody is perfect. There was one time he accidentally triggered my trauma but noticed it right away. That night, my body was shaking and he held me in his arms. Tears streamed down my cheeks. It was a silent, painful cry. Moments later, he apologised and we had a conversation about it.
We have been in a relationship for about six months now and here's what I learned about being in a healthy relationship after a traumatic one.
If one partner has gone through a traumatic experience or has complex trauma, the other needs to listen and figure out how to support the trauma survivor. Support may look different for each survivor because they have different triggers and defensive mechanisms. A big part of support is understanding. Understand how the survivor is experiencing the world. Learn their triggers. Learn their trauma responses.
As for the survivors, this is the most important and challenging thing to do but you have to - must, even - is to learn how to communicate. At first, it seems impossible with how the past showed you that whenever you speak up, you either got blamed or manipulated, but trust me if your current relationship is the healthy one, your partner will listen and try to understand you. Communication is very important!
More than that, every intimacy has its own challenge for me. Let's break it down.
For emotional intimacy, every time my partner treats me as if I'm his princess, there's a voice in the back of my head saying 'Do I deserve this?' or 'Is this another love bomb?'. It's not because I didn't trust him nor was grateful but it was purely because I wasn't used to being treated nicely and gently. The voice came from my trauma. Or, every time he's upset about something, I feel like it's because of my doing - when the reality, it was not. Why? I used to be blamed for everything.
As for physical intimacy, I was afraid of it. I worried physical intimacy would make the trauma even worse or bring back the bad memories. But at the same time, it felt so safe to be in his arms. I felt safe yet scared. It was very confusing.
I brought this matter to my therapy session. My psychiatrist told me that trauma survivors may dissociate or have an extreme response to intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy might be reminded them of the abuse experience. Many times a survivor of trauma will hide their feelings from their current partner. Why? Because we may not know how to communicate our needs and desires because we don’t know what they are. We were once being manipulated and gaslighted.
As scary as it seems, starting a relationship after a traumatic one might be impossible but worth trying. You will meet someone who will understand your past not judge it, speak your language so you won't have to translate it for them, love you in the way you deserve, and teach you how to love yourself again.
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