THE FIRST YEAR

I still remember the very first day we met again after a while. It was the first weekend in November, my first week in Bali. We had been texting for a while, planning to meet to catch up. That day, I was so excited because he was the first friend I met after I fell into the depression hole.
That day was also the first time I was actually getting ready - I had my makeup on, though it was my usual 'no makeup' makeup look. I was so proud of myself for having the courage to meet people and got myself up from the bed. Since moving to Bali, I felt like I had been given a second chance in life.
He picked me up around 11 a.m. I still remember the first sentence he said, "You look so good!" and it brought a smile to my face. He knew I hadn't seen daylight for many moons. He knew very well I was severely depressed and suicidal. He knew I was anxious at that time.
We went to a cafe, ordered and then started to catch up on our lives. I was being raw with him, raw and unfiltered. I told him almost everything that had happened to me and how I felt about that. When I told him I attempted suicide four times, he said, "I'm glad none of them were successful. I can't lose a friend like you,"
We spent from am to pm that day. Little did we know that first meeting was just the beginning of our love story. Then, fast forward to three weekends later, on November 19th, we shared our first kiss and marked the date.
"How did that happen?""Probably meant to be,"
One year ago, I didn't know he would mean the world to me.One year ago, I didn't know a kiss would be the door to a whole new journey I'd love to walk with him.One year ago, it didn't cross my mind I would wed him soon.
A year can do a lot to a person.
My second chance in life has been so wonderful and one of the reasons is because of him. It’s hard to believe it has been one year now, but each day that passes is better than the last. The more I learn about him, the more I fall in love with him.

A LIFETIME COMPANION

As he takes my hand and holds it tight,he says"You are a warrior and you will never fight another battle alone,"

BOOK | THE SEVEN HUSBANDS OF EVELYN HUGO

I've finished this book for a while now and am not sure why I never posted the review. It has been a hot minute since I wrote a book review.
Originally, when I saw this book on my recommendation, I didn't have any expectations though the title was so interesting. How could one has seven husbands? Also, naturally, at first I thought this was going to be a romance fiction. But I was so wrong. The romance was just a spice, the rest was so much more!
This book divided into seven parts, which dedicated to each husband. The plot twist was insane! Taylor Jenkins Reid did a wonderful job on writing this book. I've read Reid's other novels such as One True Loves, Malibu Rising, and After I Do, but this book, this is simply her masterpiece! It's not surprising that The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo became her most popular book and got heaps of buzz on social media. 
The novel follows fictional Hollywood starlet Evelyn Hugo as she sat down with a journalist to write her biography. The Cuban American actress pulled back the curtains on her seven marriages, unveiling shocking plot twist of her life and everyone around her. 
The story is just like no others. The way Reid wrote back and forth between now and then, and a few perspectives as well, so captivating. It was fascinating really how one story led to another, one decision led to a completely different path for Hugo. This book kept me flipping the pages but at the same time, I didn't want this book to finish. I wanted to keep reading!
Also, Netflix announced in the beginning of this year that they're going to adapt the book into screen but until this day, the streamer hasn't announced the cast! We are dying to know, aren't we? :')
Who do you think should be Evelyn Hugo?

RELATIONSHIP CHECK-IN

My partner and I have a routine we call relationship check-in, in which we ask each other the same questions every month. We have done this since the beginning of our relationship. I think this is very important as this routine allows us to be honest with ourselves and each other. Doing relationship check-in also helps us be better people for ourselves and each other and supports our relationship to grow better.
We begin by asking questions and then thanking each other for being honest and willing to work together in this relationship. And of course, end the check-in with a big, warm hug and a kiss on the forehead.
Here are the questions for the relationship check-in.

1. How connected are you feeling in the relationship?
2. Do we have enough quality time together?
3. Is there anything I am doing that's been annoying you lately? 
4. Is there anything I've stopped doing that you miss?
5. How can we have more fun together?
6. Is there anything you want us to work on?
7. How healthy do you feel our relationship is?
8. Do you feel loved by me?
9. What have you done for yourself in the past month?
10. What have you got coming up this month and how can I support you?

I hope you and your partner find a beautiful and healthy relationship. Everyone deserves that <3

I SAID YES BECAUSE HE IS HIM

It's a feeling beyond imagination.I can feel my heart melt for him.He brings calmness, inspiration, laughter, and joy.I'm able to share my dreams and life with him.I can see a future with him.I'm sure he is not a lesson but the other half that I've been looking for.

PLAYLIST | SHE SAID YES

In June, my partner and I were engaged. I knew the day would come as we talked about our future together a lot. We both want the same things and align in some perspectives, even when we don't, we always have a way where both of us are happy.
Anyway, these are some songs we always put on the player. We have a curated playlist that we always listen to every time we go out. These us the songs we listened to on the day we got engaged.

1. Can't help falling in love - Elvis Presley
2. Bella luna - Jason Mraz
3. Arabella - Arctic Monkeys
4. Lucky - Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat
5. Just a kiss - Lady A
6. You are my religion - Firehouse
7. Photograph - Ed Sheeran
8. Stand by me - Ben E. King
9. Ease my mind - Ben Platt
10. Way back into love - Hugh Grant & Haley Bennett

Now, our homework is to curate our wedding playlist! Any suggestion? ;)

MOVIE | WHAT I WATCH THIS MONTH

Gosh, I haven't done any movie reviews for ages! I was either too busy, too caught up with life, or too depressed :')
Anyway, the month of July was such a blessing for movie lovers! We got three long-awaited movies. THREE!
Ok, first of all, the hype for Barbenheimer is so hilarious. All the tweets and memes are so ridiculous I love them! Feel free to send your favourite memes to me ;)
Second of all, the behind the scenes for Mission Impossible are so damn amazing! I love watching the filmmaking process, so fascinating! The part when Tom Cruise asked the director for him to redo the motorcycle off the hill scene is so insane - like he was so chill about that while the director was holding to his dear life starring at the actor in disbelief.
Anyway, here are my short, spoiler-free reviews for Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning (pt1) and Barbenheimer. Enjoy!

A DAY IN LIFE | TAKING MYSELF ON A RELAXING DATE

I've been having a hard time with myself lately, mostly struggling with eating disorders. Lately, see my reflection in the mirror somewhat extremely challenging. I often skip meals or not eating at all, I also caught myself having an idea of purging again.

It's hard.

I told my partner about my struggles, and he offered both comfort and assurance. But healing comes from within - it comes from me. I can't rely my healing journey on others, no matter how supportive and helpful they are, if I can't fight this, it will never work.

So, I decided to have a pretty chill, relaxing day today. 

This is a day in my life in Ubud, Bali.

A NEW CHAPTER OF OUR JOURNEY

My dearest Taufan,

Words can't describe how happy and thankful I am to be engaged to an amazing man like you.

You're not my first love, nor I was yours.

But one thing I know, being with you is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Let's start with forever, shall we?

Love always,

Your (soon-to-be) wife 

 

I FEEL STRANGE

My partner has been taking care of me endless times for the past few weeks, as life has been pretty challenging for me.

I wasn't in my best state - I skipped meals and/or had my meal late. I fell in the bathroom and hit my head so hard that I spent days in the hospital. I found out there was something unusual in my brain, and it added up to my personal medical mystery. Most days, I woke up tired.

I've had a few mental breakdowns - mostly from seeing my reflection in the mirror. I hate how I look, especially in my favourite clothes. Facing my phobia. Triggered and reliving my trauma. And then the bad thought haunted me, again.

I miss my family, being away from them is always a strange feeling. I miss my fur babies. I miss my flowers. Also, I miss my good old Aussie days. 

Yet at the same time, so many exciting and big things coming my way, professional and personal lives, and I'm over the moon! Working on the projects gets me hooked up, something I look forward to every single day. Somehow it's so therapeutic to plan and organise those things. I feel even more alive.

Isn't it insane what mental illness can do to you? I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

One night he softly cares my head as I leaned on his chest, crying. He said this is a phase I have to get through because I'm one step closer to being healed.

If it is, then I'm willing to endure and be stronger. I'm willing to push through my limit.

My love, thank you for being so understanding and patient. You are there for me when I couldn't be there for myself🤍

BALI (II)

It has been over half a year since I packed my bag and moved to Bali. I feel like I've been here longer than that but it's not even a year yet! Crazy how times work. Maybe one of the reasons is because so much happened here in Bali, from personal growth, and career, to relationships.
I feel so blessed.I feel like I've been given a second chance in life and it's been wonderful.
I know my days aren't always happy cute playful days, but there are still those days that I can't even look myself in the mirror. The feeling of resentment keeps coming back and forth, and it's not easy. It's a pain in the ass. But it's easier to get through. Before, it took me hours to get up from the bed and now, the longest is an hour.
Living here in Bali is one of the reasons why things get easier. I came here with the mindset 'this is a new chapter of my life' and it is. Life keeps surprising me in a way I will never forget for the rest of my life. My only hope now is that this happiness won't end.
Do I deserve this?
I do. I'm beginning to live the life I prayed for.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER TRAUMA

Being able to open up to new people after a traumatic experience(s) is not easy. We become more aware of the red flags - often feel like we are too aware. For trauma survivors or those who are experiencing traumatic relationships, the act of deepening relationships can be challenging. 

Today I want to talk about my own experience of starting to open up to people again and how to be in a relationship after a traumatic one.

Keep in mind, I am not an expert. What I share is purely based on my journey.

BALI (I)

Hi!
Kalau sebelumnya aku memilih untuk gak mengumbar tempat tinggalku sekarang, setelah hampir setengah tahun tinggal di sini, akhirnya aku berani untuk terbuka.
Bali
Aku tinggal di Bali sejak akhir Oktober 2022.
Keputusanku untuk tinggal di Bali karena aku merasa aku gak lagi merasa nyaman dan aman tinggal di kota kelahiranku. Pemikiran untuk kembali lagi ke Australia bukan hanya terbersit tapi sudah aku rencanakan, namun rencana hanyalah sebuah rencana. Banyak hal yang membuat kembali ke Australia tidak memungkinkan untuk saat ini, salah satunya kesehatan mentalku.
Aku berjuang melawan clinical depression, anxiety, eating disorders dan suicidal. Aku mencoba berkali-kali untuk bunuh diri. Bukan hanya tidak sehat secara mental, secara fisik pun aku tidak sehat. Setelah mulai stabil, barulah aku memutuskan untuk pindah ke tempat yang setidaknya masih jauh tapi tidak terlalu jauh dari keluargaku. 
Jadi, bagaimana keadaanku sejak pindah ke Bali?
Memilih Bali menjadi tempat tinggal adalah keputusan yang tepat. Bukan hanya membaik secara fisik, aku pun lebih sehat secara mental perlahan-lahan. 
Aku menemukan pekerjaan yang sesuai dengan passion-ku. Tempat kerja yang luar biasa positif, suportif, dan memberiku ruang untuk berkembang. Di sini juga aku dikelilingi dengan rekan kerja yang bisa berpikiran terbuka. Setiap pagi saat bangun tidur, aku selalu bersemangat untuk pergi kerja. Selama di tempat kerja pun waktu berlalu cepat saking menikmati setiap waktunya. 
Lalu, aku pun bertemu dengan salah satu teman lama-ku. Kami dekat sejak akhir 2018 lalu, teman sharing. Terakhir kali aku bertemu dengannya yaitu awal tahun 2019 di Bandar Udara Internasional Ngurah Rai - saat itu aku baru saja pulang dari Australia, transit overnight di Bali sebelum terbang ke Bandung esok paginya. Sejak saat itu, aku gak pernah bertemu lagi dengannya walaupun keep in touch melalui whatsapp. Sempat gak mengobrol lama karena aku menghilang dari semua media sosial - that deepest pit of depression hole. Singkat cerita, he is my partner now. He makes me feel loved and protected. He shows me that love is not pain.
Sekarang, aku perlahan kembali ke sosial media. Berani muncul di publik, mengunggah kegiatan sehari-hari, foto diri sendiri, dan hal-hal yang aku suka lagi. Walaupun aku meminimalisir untuk menonton insta story orang lain, khawatir melihat hal yang bisa triggering.
Selama hampir 6 bulan tinggal di Bali, aku menikmati setiap waktunya. Gaya hidup yang sesuai dengan keinginanku dan aku rindukan (mirip dengan gaya hidupku di Australia), mengobrol dengan orang-orang baru dan mereka yang berpikiran terbuka, create new stories and memories yang suatu harinya mungkin akan aku ceritakan (kalau aku memilih) pada anak-anakku.
Yang paling penting adalah aku menemukan diriku lagi. Walaupun masih ada hari-hari di mana aku sulit untuk melihat refleksi diriku di cermin, benci melihat perutku yang tidak rata atau lengan dan pahaku yang besar, tapi aku selalu bisa kembali berdiri tegap dan bilang 'I'm enough'.
Kalau beberapa tahun lalu aku menemukan "kepuasan" saat memuntahkan makanan setelah makan, sekarang aku senang pergi ke tempat-tempat baru untuk mencoba makanan yang aku suka atau makanan baru. I feel less guilty to eat. I finally found love again.
Aku percaya ini adalah awal untuk hidup dan kebahagiaan yang pantas aku dapatkan.

Happy Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day!

To my fellow wonderful, strong, briliant and independent women out there, let's celebrate our identity as woman in this very important day. I hope you received all the beautiful things and receive only kindness in life. 
Have faith and trust yourself, we as women make the world a better place with our nurturing and softness yet fierce self. 
Cheers to being a woman <3

Romanticising My Life

Have you tried romanticising your love? For years, I've been scared to do it because I felt my life wasn't good enough to be romanticised. I was always so anxious that I'd jinxed the happiness. To be honest, I still am. But here's the thing.
It's right for me to appreciate all the happiness I have now.It's right for me to romanticise everything happening in my life now.
Why?Well, it's simple. Why not? :)
There's nothing wrong with imagining your life as a film - one character would meet others, the narrative your life would have in specific scenes, the music score, and even the colour palate. Seeing your life as a film is something you can do to appreciate all the details and not take your days for granted.
Romanticising your life can be a form of mindfulness. It will give you a fresh perspective on mundane moments. Here are some simple ways to romanticise your life - taken from an ordinary day-to-day routine!

I FINALLY FOUND LOVE

Back in 2018, I was once engaged to someone I thought would be my forever. I was over the moon! The thought of marrying one of my best friends (we've been friends for 10 years!) was something I considered a magical thing I could ever ask for. However, the relationship went south, the true colour shown, and the next thing I knew, I was badly abused, traumatised, and hurt.
My world collided.

KINDNESS WEEK

Random Acts of Kindness is celebrated this week on the 17th of February! Are you excited? I am! Personally, I agree to celebrate kindness at least for one week instead of just for one day. We have more time and space to share more kindness with people around us and the environment as well. Of course, we have to practise kindness every single day but have a special week to celebrate it hits differently!
Being kind or helping others is good for our mental health and well-being. It feels good to see the smiles and hear how the person we help or being kind to express their gratitude. Also, can reduce stress and improve mood and bring happiness to us.
Here are some ideas to celebrate kindness week:

1. Compliment three people you talk to each day
2. Write a gratitude email or note to a coworker who deserves more recognition each day
3. Email or text a former teacher who made a difference in your life once a day
4. Call your parents! Tell them how much they mean in your life
5. Call or leave a voice memo to someone who brings happiness into your life 
6. Leave a 'have a great day' note on someone's car in a parking lot
7. Make two lunches and give one to someone
8. Give biscuits or cookies to a neighbour or your landlord
9. Support a local restaurant and give a tip
10. Buy flowers or your favourite food because you deserve it! Being kind to other people is important but being kind to yourself should be your priority.

Happy Kindness Week!