FROM ME TO ME

Today is my birthday. Another year has passed, and my growth journey is still going. This year, I intend to bloom the best I can be. Although, still, I don't want to push myself too hard. Something that begins with 'too' is never kind.
I’ve learned the importance of setting realistic expectations for myself and understanding that it’s okay not to achieve everything all at once. Instead of pushing myself to meet unattainable goals, I focus on what’s truly possible in the given moment. I allow myself to be more kind and patient with myself, especially during times of uncertainty. Rather than getting frustrated with setbacks, I now see them as part of the process, and I adjust my goals, ensuring they align with my current abilities and energy levels.
I’ve also committed to setting healthy boundaries with myself. This means recognizing when I need to rest when to say no, and when to prioritize my mental and physical well-being. By respecting my limits, I believe that I can approach challenges with a clearer mind and a more grounded perspective. Listening more to myself is definitely a must in this journey. 
I am done putting others above myself.I will only give the same energy they give me, no more, no less.
I deserve to be well-treated, respected and loved. 

2024

2024 was a year of growth. It was a difficult one, full of challenges. I don't hate this year, but it's not easy to forgive, either.
A lot has happened in one year, from all of the ups and downs, 2024 was giving everything. There have been moments where I felt like I couldn't pass through the year, but thankfully, my support system is the best I've ever had.
2024 showed me how to trust myself more. I rebuild myself again. My relationship with myself was tested again. I've promised myself I would never go back to where I used to be. I won't. I worked so hard to be where I am now. I feel like my best self after such a long time, so I would never throw my effort all these years like it was nothing.
This year taught me that my health is my priority, be it physical, mental or emotional health. I'm not someone who is blessed with prime physical health, and of course, it can be challenging for my mental health as well. Despite everything, I relearned how to take care of my well-being in the best way possible. 
If there's something I learned the most from this year, it is that not every question needs an answer immediately. Not every action needs a reaction. We might not realise this, but this is one of many ways in life to make a space in you for something greater, and sometimes we mistake it as a punishment. 
2024 was not easy, but it was necessary. An eye, mind and heart opener. So, thank you, 2024! 

BALI (III)

This month marks 2 years since I packed my life and moved to Bali. This beautiful island has been so kind to me - reconnected with some of my old friends, gave me beautiful opportunities, and most importantly, personal growth. 
Not every day here is filled with roses and daisies, but it is always so much better, even when things are hard. Mainly because I surround myself with people who are good for my mental health. So when things get rough to the point it's threatening my mental health, I still can manage. 
I am proud of myself for how far I've come. To be the person that I am today, I worked so hard. Countless hours of crying, stopping myself from doing things I should not do, therapy sessions, medicine, and everything that is humanly possible, I have done it. 
So, honestly, this is not solemnly about Bali. This is about how I distance myself to put together pieces by pieces of me. This is about how I give myself a second chance in life, to rebuild my life, and to reintroduce myself to the world. This is about me allowing myself to be vulnerable yet so powerful. This is about me finding my strength. I am not a perfect person, I will never be. But you know what? 
I am perfectly imperfect and that's beautiful.

2024 SO FAR

So, how's my 2024 so far? Colourful. There are ups and downs, mostly unexpected. This year has been good. It's not always kind to me and everyone I love dearly, but that doesn't mean it won't be better for the last half year. 2024 so far is the year I become more patient towards myself, relearning my self-worth, and the year to be more upward and stand my ground. Also, a lot of catch-ups! It was so nice to meet some old friends and catch up on our lives. It's nice to know the friendship hasn't changed!
Let's break down month by month, shall we? 

BERDAMPINGAN DENGAN DEPRESI

Aku cukup terbuka dengan kesehatan mental-ku di sosial media, tapi mungkin aku gak pernah benar-benar menjelaskan bagaimana rasanya hidup dengan depresi dan anxiety. Tujuanku membagikan pengalamanku ini (semoga) bisa meningkatkan kesadaran tentang kesehatan mental. Masih banyak orang yang kurang memerhatikan kesehatan mental karena "tidak terlihat". Hanya karena tidak kasat mata, bukan berarti tidak penting, ya. 
Kesehatan mental sama pentingnya dengan kesehatan fisik.
Aku bersyukur sekarang di Indonesia, pandangan masyarakat tentang kesehatan mental sudah lebih luas, well sudah seharusnya begitu. Toh topik kesehatan mental bukanlah sesuatu yang tabu. Semua orang seharusnya sedikit banyak paham tentang ini, bukan hanya orang-orang yang didiagnosa saja. Gak sedikit orang-orang yang struggle dengan kesehatan mental merasa malu dan takut untuk dihakimi, takut disebut gila, takut disebut stress. Siapa sih sekarang yang gak stress? Aku rasa semua orang punya stress-nya masing-masing. Semua punya beban yang perlu dipikul.

2023

2023 for me was a year of surprises. Everything happened so smoothly as it was meant to be. Last year was the year of finding myself back, starting a new chapter of life, and finding the courage to be a little selfish. My closing moments for 2023 was being a bride. I'm a wife now! 
My hope for 2024 is to be a year full of happiness and joy. A clean slate for me to be more of myself and a space for me to spread my wings wider. 

A DAY IN LIFE | TAKING MYSELF ON A RELAXING DATE

I've been having a hard time with myself lately, mostly struggling with eating disorders. Lately, see my reflection in the mirror somewhat extremely challenging. I often skip meals or not eating at all, I also caught myself having an idea of purging again.

It's hard.

I told my partner about my struggles, and he offered both comfort and assurance. But healing comes from within - it comes from me. I can't rely my healing journey on others, no matter how supportive and helpful they are, if I can't fight this, it will never work.

So, I decided to have a pretty chill, relaxing day today. 

This is a day in my life in Ubud, Bali.

I FEEL STRANGE

My partner has been taking care of me endless times for the past few weeks, as life has been pretty challenging for me.

I wasn't in my best state - I skipped meals and/or had my meal late. I fell in the bathroom and hit my head so hard that I spent days in the hospital. I found out there was something unusual in my brain, and it added up to my personal medical mystery. Most days, I woke up tired.

I've had a few mental breakdowns - mostly from seeing my reflection in the mirror. I hate how I look, especially in my favourite clothes. Facing my phobia. Triggered and reliving my trauma. And then the bad thought haunted me, again.

I miss my family, being away from them is always a strange feeling. I miss my fur babies. I miss my flowers. Also, I miss my good old Aussie days. 

Yet at the same time, so many exciting and big things coming my way, professional and personal lives, and I'm over the moon! Working on the projects gets me hooked up, something I look forward to every single day. Somehow it's so therapeutic to plan and organise those things. I feel even more alive.

Isn't it insane what mental illness can do to you? I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

One night he softly cares my head as I leaned on his chest, crying. He said this is a phase I have to get through because I'm one step closer to being healed.

If it is, then I'm willing to endure and be stronger. I'm willing to push through my limit.

My love, thank you for being so understanding and patient. You are there for me when I couldn't be there for myself🤍

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER TRAUMA

Being able to open up to new people after a traumatic experience(s) is not easy. We become more aware of the red flags - often feel like we are too aware. For trauma survivors or those who are experiencing traumatic relationships, the act of deepening relationships can be challenging. 

Today I want to talk about my own experience of starting to open up to people again and how to be in a relationship after a traumatic one.

Keep in mind, I am not an expert. What I share is purely based on my journey.

Happy Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day!

To my fellow wonderful, strong, briliant and independent women out there, let's celebrate our identity as woman in this very important day. I hope you received all the beautiful things and receive only kindness in life. 
Have faith and trust yourself, we as women make the world a better place with our nurturing and softness yet fierce self. 
Cheers to being a woman <3

Romanticising My Life

Have you tried romanticising your love? For years, I've been scared to do it because I felt my life wasn't good enough to be romanticised. I was always so anxious that I'd jinxed the happiness. To be honest, I still am. But here's the thing.
It's right for me to appreciate all the happiness I have now.It's right for me to romanticise everything happening in my life now.
Why?Well, it's simple. Why not? :)
There's nothing wrong with imagining your life as a film - one character would meet others, the narrative your life would have in specific scenes, the music score, and even the colour palate. Seeing your life as a film is something you can do to appreciate all the details and not take your days for granted.
Romanticising your life can be a form of mindfulness. It will give you a fresh perspective on mundane moments. Here are some simple ways to romanticise your life - taken from an ordinary day-to-day routine!

I FINALLY FOUND LOVE

Back in 2018, I was once engaged to someone I thought would be my forever. I was over the moon! The thought of marrying one of my best friends (we've been friends for 10 years!) was something I considered a magical thing I could ever ask for. However, the relationship went south, the true colour shown, and the next thing I knew, I was badly abused, traumatised, and hurt.
My world collided.

2023

If you asked me 5 years ago, what was my plan 5 years from now? I'd say "I am probably already married and have a child!"

If you asked me 4 years ago, what was my plan years from now? I'd still say the same because, at that time, I thought I had found my 'the one'.

If you had asked me 3 years ago, the answer would be totally different. I'd answer "I don't know. I'm probably already dead".

If you asked me today, as you read this post, the answer had changed. My answer now is "I hope next year I get only goodness in life because I deserve it and I've been through a lot!" 

Today is the last day of 2022 and I am happier than years before.

I am healthier mentally and psychically. 

I haven't found myself yet but I'm getting there!

I have started to put pieces of me into one and it's been great so far.

2023 will be the year I am prioritising myself, loving myself even more and giving so much love I have only to those who love me especially when I feel like I'm impossible to love.

I hope your 2023 will be better than 2022 <3

Now and Then

Last year on this very day, the exact time, I attempted to end my life altogether for the first time.

Today, I live away from the hustle and bustle of the city, with a clearer mind, a more colourful heart and a peaceful soul. 

I live in an environment where nobody judges but supports every achievement I have. 

I’m more open and comfortable talking to my parents about my illness - surviving major depression, severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts when I thought it was impossible to do so. 

I have two sisters who are more than siblings to me but are the core of my strength. 

I have amazing best friends who constantly remind me how much I mean to their lives. 

Live with an amazing uncle and aunty who taught me a lot about life and everything in between. 

I have a boyfriend who makes me feel loved and protected. 

The job motivates me to get up every morning.

BURN

told me to disappear 

but

asked me to feed you   told me to stay but begged me to die 
you,a human with a set of fire a monster with tons of flowers 
bees rang on my ears whispered, 
"go" 
a sparrow rested on my shoulder whispered,
"stay"

my shadow slapped me"let's leave," I was scared but I did 

I hiked the mountain of broken glasses tears and sweat became red
"keep going," I told myself 


my shadow was already on the hill"keep going, you're going to love it here."
but, do I trust her? 

ALTER MEMORY

maybe it is true
time heals nothing 
it is just replaced the memory 

but 

what if
someone came to alter the bad images
with the most beautiful unexpected remembrances?

WHY I FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG

Have you ever feel like you don't belong? Either with someone, some group of people, a place, a so-called home? 

For the last two years, I felt so. 

The first time I felt it was 2 years ago when I went back to Indonesia after I spent a whole beautiful year in Australia. I thought, oh maybe this is just a phase. But the feeling stayed with me for the whole year! Every time I saw a photo or a video that reminded me of a certain place or moment in Australia, my heart ached. It wasn't only the feeling of wanting to go back or relive the moment again, but also the sense of belonging. 

As if I meant to be there.

Then the feeling grew to be something more complicated which was the need to leave my current place. I was no longer feeling safe, comfortable, and belong here. As if I no longer understood or related to my country home. I felt disconnected. For the first time, I didn't see myself to spend the rest of my life in a country that I was born in, the city where my loved ones live. I didn't see myself living here anymore but I couldn't just go. I became depressed. 

Every morning, I felt like a zombie. I did what I have to do but I didn't feel alive. Months past, I came to realise, this was so wrong. I had to do something. Maybe this is about my trauma. So I did something about it, I faced my trauma. Instead of feeling free, I was thinking, now I have no 'debt' to anyone, I can go wherever I want. I'm almost home.

But... Where do I belong?

Where is my home? This is my home. I live with my family, I can see my friends anytime, I don't have to worry about language barriers or cultural politeness, I don't have to think twice when I talk. But why am I feeling this way? Is it Melbourne? Is it Australia in general? 

Back in February, I realised something. I had a deep conversation with someone that changed my perspective and the way I feel. This sense of belonging is not about a place but about finding myself. 

I found myself in Australia - I learned so much when I was trying to survive there. I was living my best and worst life at the same time. The experience in 2018 changed me entirely. I was living a life that I always wanted in Australia but I was also slowly losing myself because of the abusive relationship that I had back then. 

The idea of going back to Indonesia haunted me because that's where the abuser lived. So when I had to go back, I was so terrified that I would be losing the happiness that I had in Australia, my happy-self. I was doing the right thing in 2018 and I couldn't do the same thing again because I was barricaded with the wall of fear. 

I was trying to bring back who I was before 2018 when I went back to Indonesia. I was trying to put the old me and my old life together when I was a completely different person with a new life to live.

The sense of belonging is not about a place. It's about how you feel. It's about something you searching for. I felt belong in Australia because I was searching for my best-self there. I was experiencing a new life with new challenges. I was searching for who I wanted to be and I found and love her so dearly. Now that I have back to my country home, what am I looking for? 

It's almost like a puzzle you have to complete, those little things in life that matter the most. It is all about finding myself again. It's about facing your reality and lives the life that you have right now. It's about being who you are and what you want to do no matter where you are and whom you are with. 

I hope whoever you are and wherever you are, you always feel like you belong. 

Love, Vera

A DECADE RECAP

Wow. Yes. We are officially entering a new decade. A lot of things have happened in the last 10 years in my life but I never realised it is like a lot when I decided to write down the highlights of that year. Also, I was really bad at remembering things, so this is probably a little bit vague. 

I started this blog back in 2013, so it hasn't been 10 years but in this blog alone, a lot of things have changed. The way I write, the way I share my thoughts, the way I create content. I found it so interesting to look back and see how different I was 7 years ago or so. I also can't believe I have been blogging for seven freaking years!! 

My wish is in the next ten years, I want to be happier than I am right now, be in the place where I should be, with a person I deserve, and of course, have created a beautiful, meaningful story that I can share to my children - or maybe on the blog? Who knows! 

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

Hi, guys! How's your first week of January? Mine was pretty nice. It was a relaxing week, I did major cleaned up on my closet and vanity, spent more quality time with my family, and finally had time to sit down and think through about what has happened in 2019 and in the last decade, evaluated, and wrote down what my goals for the new year. 

Today I want to share some of my 2020 resolutions. I want to focus on my wellbeing because I realised the last few years I was too focus on my goals - not that it was a bad thing, it was good, but I neglected my happiness for something that wasn't last very long. I was too focus on what or who hurt me more than I was on those who purely love me as I am. I know I don't have to justify everything, no need to explain, but I consider my blog as my online diary - I want to look back when I'm older and see what I have done, what I have written. More importantly, I want to write something that I needed to see when I was younger. 

I hope when you read this blog, you will get inspired or motivated. I wish we have the best year we always deserve, the lifeline that treats us better than last year. Let's start this clean slate with something more meaningful and happier. Happy new year! 

A CHOICE FOR MYSELF

It's really funny when someone is saying I'm single, some people think that person is lonely and has no romantic relationships in their lives. Which is not true. We live in a very modern era, I believe that kind of thought should not be considered a fact nor assumption anymore, should it? 

It has been a year since I called off my last relationship. I, somehow, entered the official single life status in a wrong time according to society. Girls at my age are getting engaged, married, and just giving birth to their first or even second child. For some reasons, my romantic life is a state of achievement. Because I am single, automatically I am not achieving anything. As if my master's degree was nothing, nor my first job, nor surviving the abusive relationship, nor surviving pericarditis. 

So often when I hanging out with my male friends, there were at least five people reached out to me and asked if he was my new boyfriend? Or when I went to the store to find a dress for some occasion, people thought I would have an engagement party or similar. 

There's a more annoying thing that people ever said to me, 'don't be such a hard to get, picky, girl. what else are you looking for?' 

Uh. Alright. 

Do you want to know why am I single? Do you want to know what am I looking for?

I'm single because I choose to be a happy, independent, single woman. I'm single because I have a choice to be single, not because I take a chance of the situation. No, I'm not lonely. Yes, I have so much love to give to everyone, especially to myself. Being single by a choice has taught me everything I admire about my life. 

My last relationship was a catastrophe. I was badly abused and it ruined my life for a while. It took me a while to finally be able to put myself together again after months. It took me a while to be able to handle all the triggers and face the trauma fearless. 

I guess it's fair to take time for myself to be the best of myself again. It's necessary to heal the pain, to deal with the trauma, and to forgive myself. It's important to be able to love yourself after you've been dead inside for a while. 

My happiness does not depend on status. I was in a relationship last year and I had never felt more miserable, more dead than I was before. I was used, manipulated, and abused. I was abused by someone I have known for more than 10 years. Do I have trust issue? Of course. 

I'm not going to let my past define my future. I will never let anyone has control of my life anymore. I choose to be single for the sake of myself and my health, mentally and physically. 

I choose to be single because I'm bravely waiting for someone who wanted to learn my past not to punish me nor to judge me, but to understand how I needed to be happy and loved. I'm waiting for someone who's willing to hold my hand and help me to love myself even more. 

I hope you choose the right choice as well. 

Love, Vera