Thursday, December 05, 2019

A CHOICE FOR MYSELF


It's really funny when someone is saying I'm single, some people think that person is lonely and has no romantic relationships in their lives. Which is not true. We live in a very modern era, I believe that kind of thought should not be considered a fact nor assumption anymore, should it? 

It has been a year since I called off my last relationship. I, somehow, entered the official single life status in a wrong time according to society. Girls at my age are getting engaged, married, and just giving birth to their first or even second child. For some reasons, my romantic life is a state of achievement. Because I am single, automatically I am not achieving anything. As if my master's degree was nothing, nor my first job, nor surviving the abusive relationship, nor surviving pericarditis. 

So often when I hanging out with my male friends, there were at least five people reached out to me and asked if he was my new boyfriend? Or when I went to the store to find a dress for some occasion, people thought I would have an engagement party or similar. 

There's a more annoying thing that people ever said to me, 'don't be such a hard to get, picky, girl. what else are you looking for?' 

Uh. Alright. 

Do you want to know why am I single? Do you want to know what am I looking for?

I'm single because I choose to be a happy, independent, single woman. I'm single because I have a choice to be single, not because I take a chance of the situation. No, I'm not lonely. Yes, I have so much love to give to everyone, especially to myself. Being single by a choice has taught me everything I admire about my life. 

My last relationship was a catastrophe. I was badly abused and it ruined my life for a while. It took me a while to finally be able to put myself together again after months. It took me a while to be able to handle all the triggers and face the trauma fearless. 

I guess it's fair to take time for myself to be the best of myself again. It's necessary to heal the pain, to deal with the trauma, and to forgive myself. It's important to be able to love yourself after you've been dead inside for a while. 

My happiness does not depend on status. I was in a relationship last year and I had never felt more miserable, more dead than I was before. I was used, manipulated, and abused. I was abused by someone I have known for more than 10 years. Do I have trust issue? Of course. 

I'm not going to let my past define my future. I will never let anyone has control of my life anymore. I choose to be single for the sake of myself and my health, mentally and physically. 

I choose to be single because I'm bravely waiting for someone who wanted to learn my past not to punish me nor to judge me, but to understand how I needed to be happy and loved. I'm waiting for someone who's willing to hold my hand and help me to love myself even more. 

I hope you choose the right choice as well. 


Love, Vera
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