DROWNING

I'm breathing
Dark skies covered my mind
The sun is too afraid to touch me

I'm drowning
Swallowing the lumps of anxiety
Facing my own monsters

I'm screaming
The overwhelming
The madness

I'm breathing
Days get harder
Nights get colder

I'm drowning
by
my own thoughts.

- excerpt from my diary back in August 2018.

2018 IN A POST

2018, a year of growth. The year when I learnt so much about life and every aspect of it. The year when I learnt how to evolve. 

Here are some of the best highlights that I will cherish forever.

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 17

This is my last weekend diary in 2018. What a well-spent weekend x 

CHRISTMAS 2018

This year, I was very lucky to able to spend Christmas with the most loving and beautiful family I've ever known in Australia. I'm forever grateful to be a part of this family for the past year. No matter where I am next year, they'll always be my family. 

Merry Christmas! 

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 16

This has been an emotional week for me because I've finished my job as a language assistant. I had farewells at two schools where I worked, said goodbyes to the students and staffs. I wasn't ready. I'm not. I wish I had another year. 

However, this was a great week to celebrate the ending of my work here. Even better on the weekend because I've been caught up with some people that I really want to catch up with, went to places I've been meaning to visit and more than that, made me happy!

MENJADI BU VERA DI AUSTRALIA

Awal tahun 2018, aku terbang ke Australia dengan amanah menjadi seorang guru bantu atau language assistant di bawah pimpinan Department of Education and Training (DET) Victoria. Perasaan cemas akan memulai pekerjaan baru, tinggal dengan orang asing, dan bahkan, berbicara dalam bahasa asing. 

Namun, seluruh kecemasan dan kekhawatiran itu hanya ada di kepala. Ketika tiba di Ringwood tanggal 28 Januari, aku disambut oleh pelukan hangat Graham dan Donna Harris - yang kemudian menjadi orang tua Australia-ku. Sore itu aku di ajak berkeliling sekitar rumah, pergi ke taman, berjalan-jalan di pusat perbelanjaan, dan bahkan kami bertiga makan es krim bersama. Sejak hari itu, hari-hariku di Ringwood selalu luar biasa.

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 15

This weekend, I met up with the other language assistants at St. Kilda Beach. It was a great catch up to finally sat down and talked. I met with Diane quite often but with the others, we haven't been since March! 

It only took us 9 months to finally meet up again. I really wish we could have more time together. I couldn't be more grateful for this language assistants program to bring us, all around the world, to be able to have good times together in one place with one language. It's not goodbye, it's until we meet again. All the best luck guys! 

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 14

Akhir pekan ini, aku dan beberapa teman language assistants dan IKAN berkunjung ke rumah Ibu Maria Obrowski di Greensborough. Beliau dengan berbaik hati mengundang kami untuk makan siang bersama sembari merayakan hubungan baik kami selama hampir setahun ini. 

Aku bertemu dengan Ibu Maria karena beliau adalah salah satu anggota VILTA. Pertama kali bertemu di konferensi internasional tahunan VILTA dan sejak itu beliau sudah seperti keluarga. Memang benar kata orang, ketika kita tinggal di luar negeri, kemudian bertemu dengan orang dari tanah air itu berbeda. Ini sudah kali kedua kami berkunjung ke rumahnya, pertama kali ketika kami makan malam di hari Idulfitri. 

Terima kasih, Bu Maria. Insya Allah ini bukan terakhir kalinya kita bertemu ya. 

PLAYLIST | DAYS BEFORE SUNSHINE

The transition from raindrops to the ray of sunshine. Enjoy!

1. Baby - Clean Bandit feat. Marina and the Diamonds & Luis Fonsi 
2. Bluebird - Sara Bareilles 
3. Come Out and Play - Billie Eilish 
4. Hugging You (Acoustic)  - Tom Rosenthal feat Billie Marten 
5. Let's Fall In Love for the Night - Finneas
6. Light - Sleeping At Last
7. Movement - Hozier
8. Remember - Typhoon 
9. Rose Petals - S. Carey
10. The Less I Know the Better - Tame Impala 

Love, Vera

MENGECUP LUKA

William Ricketts Sanctuary, Victoria.

"Anak sulung yang kami besarkan oleh cinta tidak akan kalah dengan hal yang bukan cinta. Terkadang memang terlihat tidak mudah tapi bukan berarti tidak mungkin. Diri sendiri suka membuat kejutan, yang dikira tidak bisa justru melampaui ekspektasi. Intinya percaya pada diri sendiri, bahkan ketika kamu tidak bisa." - DS. 

Ketika ada yang bertanya "bagaimana perasaanmu?" atau pertanyaan paling umum sekalipun, "apa kabar?" kebanyakan dari korban kekerasan emosional akan menjawab "aku baik-baik saja." dan tentu, itu sebuah kebohongan besar. 

Mungkin, inilah caraku menjelaskan keadaan yang sebenarnya setelah mengalami kekerasan emosional. 

Seperti naik rollercoaster. Ada hari di mana aku sangat bersemangat menjalani hari-hariku, mengejar mimpiku, bahkan aku bisa bilang dengan yakin kalau aku sangat bersyukur sudah berpisah dengan dia, aku bisa bersenang-senang dengan teman-temanku, aku siap membuka pintu-pintu kesempatan. Tapi, ada juga hari yang bahkan untuk bangun dari tempat tidur saja aku tidak sanggup. Teriakan, bentakan, kata dan kalimat yang mengiris hati itu terngiang, bahkan aku bisa mendengar suaranya. Ya, suara teriakannya. Jantungku berdegup kencang, kepala dan telingaku sakit, dan aku hanya bisa menangis, berusaha untuk bernapas karena rasanya seperti ada yang mencekik leherku. 

Bagi sebagian orang, mungkin lebih buruk atau mungkin tidak separah itu. Jika orang lain tahu, akan ada yang menghakimi "ya ampun, berlebihan sekali. Masa sampai segitunya?" karena mereka tidak tahu. Mereka tidak bisa memahami perasaan survivors, jangan merasa sedih dan kecewa ketika orang lain bereaksi jauh dari harapan. Ingat, mereka hanya bisa membayangkan. They didn't understand how it feels like. 

Itulah kenapa hanya kamu yang bisa menolong dirimu sendiri. 

MOVIE | FANTASTIC BEAST: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (2018)

Copyright Warner Bros

"Everyone is scared of something," - Albus Dumbledore

I just didn't know where to start with this review, honestly. I like it but also at the same time, I'm so disappointed with how it turned out especially the ending.

It wasn't a horrible movie but it's not a good Harry Potter prequel. It is simply, oh my goodness can't believe I'd say something like this, the worst Harry Potter movie. The movie answered some of the questions from the previous movie, also some from the Harry Potter franchise. Unfortunately, it left me with more questions that I have beforehand. How was it possible? I have no clue.

As per usual, David Yates did an amazing job at making this movie interesting to start with. Began with some action scenes while introducing the new characters and a new plot. It was one beautiful ride. The film gave us a wonderful visual. For younger viewers, this might be too heavy as in too fast, too dark and too violent at some point. 

However, as the plot began to build, it got messy. It wasn't a horrible mess, it's just really messy I found it hard to follow and recognise where this movie wanted to bring us. Plot-wise, I was a bit disappointed with how it turned out. Especially the ending that left me devastating. Regarding to the title, Crimes of Grindelwald, I don't see any threat at all from him. He was just there, being one of the amazing wizards and influencers, and that's it. 

More about the movie, I love how they balanced its wonderful visual with the stunning original soundtrack. The original Harry Potter theme was giving me chill! I literally cried a bit when I heard the theme! Who wouldn't? As a Potterhead, I haven't heard that song - yes, it's on my head now as I type - in a cinema for a year or so.

In term of the new casting, gosh... couldn't be more grateful to see these actors played their characters. As if they're born to be in this movie. I mean, come on, Johnny Depp as Gellert Grindelwald, Jude Law as Albus Dumbledore, Zoe Kravitz as Leta Lestrange? Who would thought that was the most perfect decision?! Also, Claudia Kim as Nagini is just one of the best casting choices. I felt like she's just perfect for the role. What a pity, this film wasted their amazing talents.

Overall, I wasn't sure if I'm going to watch this movie again - probably not. My usual viewing for Harry Potter movies usually more than five times but for this one, I can't be bothered to pay for another ticket. It's just sad that it wasn't how we expected. But, if you are Potterhead, see how it goes for you. Maybe this is personal preference, maybe it's just me.

Love, Vera

TERIRIS KATA

Cockatoo Island, Sydney, NSW.

"Dia memang tidak pernah memukulku, tapi dia membuatku merasa tidak berharga."

Ketika berbicara tentang kekerasan, orang akan secara otomatis berpikir tentang mendorong, memukul, mengguncang, menampar, menendang, dan sebagainya. Tidak banyak yang menyadari kalau kekerasan emosional sama bahayanya dengan kekerasan fisik. Aku bahkan jarang menemukan topik ini menjadi bahan pembicaraan orang banyak. Sebagian besar merasa kekerasan emosional itu tidak ada, sisanya menganggap itu fase dari sebuah hubungan. 

Kekerasan emosional (sering disebut juga kekerasan mental atau kekerasan verbal) seringkali diartikan sebagai fase pertengkaran atau emosi sesaat. Pertengkaran dan kekerasan emosional berbeda. Bertengkar dengan pasangan itu wajar, adanya perbedaan pendapat atau argumen, itu pertengkaran normal. Namun jika adanya bentakan, menggunakan kata-kata kasar, bahkan kata-kata yang seharusnya tidak pernah keluar dari mulut seseorang itu bukan lagi pertengkaran, itu kekerasan verbal.

Sebagian besar dari kita tahu ciri-ciri kekerasan fisik tapi kekerasan emosional cukup sulit untuk diketahui karena tidak terlihat maka dari itu sering diabaikan. Padahal kekerasan emosional berdampak sama - bahkan dalam beberapa kasus, lebih buruk daripada kekerasan fisik. Menurut Jim Hedges dalam Escape the Hidden Dangers of Emotional Manipulation, akibat dari kekerasan emosional adalah hilangnya harga diri, kepercayaan diri, trauma seperti PTSD, depresi, bahkan bunuh diri. 

Emotional abuse is isolating and manipulating your perspective, chiselling your self-worth. It is not incident, it is the meticulous and malicious breaking down of your perception of who you are until you are left feeling worthless, spent and useless. Emotional abuse it the murder of your soul. 

MOVIE | BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY (2018)

"We can be. We believe in each other... that's everything. We are going to do great things. It's an experience - love, tragedy, joy... it's something that people will feel belongs to them." - Freddie Mercury.

Grew up in a family that loves music, I was familiar with Queen's songs. My brother, he loved rock and roll so much. He grew his hair up to his shoulders, dressed up like a rock star and went to uni like that! He was very cool! I mean, he dressed up like a rock star and took Law as major. Cool, wasn't it? His room was next to mine and I could wake up either to Metallica or Queen, depending on his mood that morning. 

So yeah, Queen was pretty much one part of my life. When I watched the trailer for the first time, I was so surprised. But learning from experiences, I didn't let myself to have high expectation. I love Rami Malek, but biopic always let me down. One fine Monday, I went to the cinema, bought myself a nice pumpkin spice latte and popcorn and prepared to enjoy the movie. 

134 mins and I didn't touch my drink neither my popcorn. I was so busy watching the movie. The whole time, I forgot it was a film, not a documentary. It felt so real! I didn't know if the story was authentic or not, but for some moments - especially when they were on the stage - I didn't see Rami Malek acted as Freddie Mercury, what I saw Freddie Mercury did his things. I felt elated and also sad at the same time. Happy because of the songs and how it portrayed on the screen, sad because they are no longer the same now. 

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 13

This weekend, my Aussie family and I went to William Ricketts Sanctuary. We found the place when we went back from the Rhododendron Gardens last week and it was just, "Yap, we're going to that place next week!" 

I have never been to this kind of place before - I'm not even sure we have art sanctuary in Indonesia. For me, this is a very different place. I love it! The atmosphere is so peaceful, quiet, and yet so eerie at some point. I don't know, there's a sense of haunting: probably because there are many eyes from the sculptures or maybe because of the quietness.  

Anyway, these are some snaps that I took. Enjoy ;) 

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 12

The fresh air, the flowers, the scent, the beautiful view...Here are the highlights from my well-spent Saturday with my favourite people at the National Rhododendron Gardens. 

MOVIE | A STAR IS BORN (2018)

Tell me something, boy. Aren't you tired trying to fill that void? Or do you need more? Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I have no words to describe how beautiful this movie is. Everything is just... brilliant! I never watched the original movie so I didn't know what to expect, not even knowing the story. Ever since I saw the trailer for the first time and cried, of course, because of the song and the gorgeousness of Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga together in one screen. 

I watched this movie twice. The first time, I had a movie companion and I wasn't crying as bad as I thought I would be. But the second time, I went by myself and I was devastated. I mean, I knew what's going to happen but it felt like the first time I saw everything and even more hurtful to watch. I have no clue why I was like that, why I was okay when I watched with someone but then cried my eyeballs out - had to wipe those mascara from under my eyes. Silly Vera! 

MOVIE | BEAUTIFUL BOY (2018)

"I need to find a way to fill this black hole in me. I still have a family. I want them to be proud of me." - Nic Sheff.

There are so many reasons why I was so excited about the movie. First of all, this movie has some of my favourite actors: Steve Carell, Timothée Chalamet, Amy Ryan, Maura Tierney... I mean, what could be wrong? The Office never wrong, right? Second of all, the book is beautiful. It's so complex and scary at some stages, but it is brilliant!

LUCK OF UNIVERSE

How did we get here?

From all of the people in the world 

You and I

Found and saved each other 

From ourselves

BLOOM

I, 
like those flowers, 
blooming 
and be myself again

WEEKEND DIARY | PART 11

Weekend getaway to be surrounded by the ocean and blue sky

Waterfront Geelong