Monday, June 01, 2020

IF MY WOUNDS WERE VISIBLE


I have been pretty open about my experience with mental abuse for the past year, to put in mind, my intention was never to seek attention nor I want people to pity me, but to raise awareness about that invisible abuse that leaves invisible wounds as well. 

Today is the first day of June, also known as World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD). Today is the celebration for all narcissistic abuse (mental/verbal abuse) survivors who strongly survived throughout the abuse and healing process, and also for those who did not survive. Survivors, if you read this post, thank you for surviving. What we've been through is not easy, you should be proud of yourself!  

To be frankly honest, I never thought I'd experience something like this. I grew up in a pretty healthy environment (although there are a few neighbours who like to gossip, I never cared what they're saying anyway), with a loving family, and I gained nice groups of friendship throughout the time. Some people said I'm one of those friendly, lovely, people. I took it as a compliment and motivation to be a better person for everyone on my surroundings. We always want to try our best, aren't we? 

Sharing and writing my experience of an abusive relationship is not an easy thing to do. It is also not an easy topic to talk about. I, of course, struggle to articulate how I felt and feel, into words. I was struggling to realise that I thought I have everything in both hands at that time, but the abuser grabbed and choked down on my throat, someone who was once asked my parents their blessing to marry their daughter. 

If my wounds were visible, you would be able to see in the deepest side of my heart where self-blame hides. You would see how I punished myself although none of the experiences was never my fault. You would see how my self-pride shattered into atoms, how I let those harsh words from his mouth took over my mental health, how I struggled to keep myself in one piece. 

If my wounds were visible, I wouldn't have had to lie to cover up for the abuser. I would meet my friends and they'd ask about my long-distance relationship and I'd say 'We're happy as ever. He's very supportive!' which was total bullshit because I just hang up the phone when he screamed my ears off saying 'you should kill yourself because you are so fucking disgusting!'. Supportive, huh? 

If my wounds were visible, family, friends, colleagues, relatives might have noticed the pain he put me through and stood up for me. 

If my wounds were visible, someone would hug me and held my hand, helped me to leave the abuser sooner. 

If my wounds were visible, my parents would take me to the hospital when my head, chest, and stomach were in so much pain after I heard that I'm not worth to fight and nobody would ever fight for me because I'm just a piece of shit. 

If my wounds were visible, you would see how the abuse murdered my soul. 

But, 

If my wounds were visible, people would recognise that I am a survivor and they would admire my wounds because they reveal the strength it took to get through the battles I’ve endured to learn to thrive, survive, and enjoy my life today. 

One of the reasons why mental abuse goes unnoticed is there aren't any laws prohibiting mind games (manipulative), name-calling, gaslighting, etc. Even though broken bones heal quicker than a broken soul. I did not say this blatantly, I bravely said because I was there. I'm not completely healed now after two years since I left him. 

I believe the only way to end the abuse is to raise awareness, to educate people about what it is, what's the signs of abuse, and how to avoid the abuse. Before I experienced it myself, I never really pay attention to mental/verbal abuse, I knew there's that kind of abuse but not really worried it might happen to me. However, abuse can happen to anybody, even to me who thought had the best surroundings. 

If you are a survivor, let me give you a virtual hug through this post. Let's promise to never shut our mouths ever again, let's stand up together to fight injustice. Let's stop this abuse for everyone else. 

For all of you who read this post, thank you for taking the time to read. I wish you will never experience any form of abuse. I wish you will always be happy, safe, and sound. 


#IfMyWoundsWereVisible

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