Monday, October 30, 2017


"Girls should not be afraid to be smart"- Emma Watson

For as long as I remember, one of my dreams is to study as high as I could. It might sounds pretentious but growing up, I always want to be someone who is known for her intelligence. It's not ambition, but I think being a smart woman is worth to fight. If I'm smart, my children will be the smart ones too. There's no disadvantage of being smart. 

When I was a student in junior high school, I was bullied because I often refused to hang out with my friends after school and my grades were higher than them (stupid reason to bully people, right? well, every bully always has stupid reason for stupid action). First, because it was school day. Second, my parents wouldn't let me to hang out on weekdays - or any days. Third, honestly, I prefer to stay at home doing homework rather than hang out and talking about boys and gossiping other girls. Well, yeah, you can call me nerd. It's okay. I am nerd. Nerd is cool ;) 

After graduated high school, I went to college and finish my bachelor degree within four years. I was graduated as Bachelor in Education, with major Indonesian Language and Literature Education. Before I graduated, two years before, I was writing down my plans what I would do after graduated. Finding a job that would be suit with my degree seemed not a good option at that time. I felt like my education, my degree, were not enough to fulfill my dreams. So I decided I'd continue my education. I'd apply to postgraduate schools. My closest ones knew I always wanted to study abroad but because of my health condition, I couldn't go for bachelor degree abroad so I would do on my master degree instead. 

Graduate college, earned good GPA, I was accepted in five out of seven universities I had applied, those are my dream universities to study to. I applied to prestigious universities at United Kingdom, Australia, United States and of course, my own country, Indonesia. I was offered from the university I always dreamt of - the one that everybody does. The day I got email from this university, I almost fainted. I'm still remember how happy I was: crying, screaming, hugging my Mom who was with me that morning. That day obviously one of the happiest days of my life. The highlight of my lowlife.

I was so proud of my achievement, all the hard works, tears, time I spent, it's all paid off. Even in smallest achievement we got, we should be proud. So, to say I wasn't happy and proud would be such a vast understatement. Few days after I received those acceptance letters, I immediately applied for scholarships. Every scholarship that I could find at that time.

In this journey to continue my master degree, I've failed my IELTS test but I rose and tried again and earned more than I needed. I've rejected in my first try for scholarship but I kept trying to find another. I got rejected on my second and tried again. I went through hard times with my personal life but it didn't stoping me to go after my dream. 

I had these letter of acceptance on my hands, letters that proved my ability and credibility to study at those universities, the chance to study with people who have the similar dreams with me, the moment to evolve to be someone I always dream of. I had took so many stairs to get these letters, I was half way there. I was so close to my dream.

Unfortunately, it wasn't my door. At least, not now. Not yet.

I failed in all of scholarships application I've ever tried. Some even failed when I didn't even have chance to fight. I was in the lowest phase of my life for months. It might sounds horrible and too much, but I didn't have much passion to finish my master degree in where I'm currently studying, because all I had in mind was I finally go to that university.

Few weeks after that, another door opened. Another thing that was completely far from what I had on my mind on my whole existence. I was offered a job, abroad, for a year (we get to this part in another post). I prayed, asking to Allah Swt., if this was the answer of my hopelessness. After few conversation with Allah Swt. (night praying, reading Qur'an, fasting) I was assured to take the job. I was ensured for what I need.

A week after that, I wrote an email to the Dean of the university (yes, that university) to decline my offer. I was crying whilst typing. I was crying all day. It was hard to let go, but it would be harder to keep fighting for something you didn't destined, yet. I was crying but also proud that I could let it go. I was crying to find my strength.

Some people said that we should never give up on our dreams and I believe in that, one hundred percent agree. But the past two and half years of trying, fighting, crying, praying, and learning, I realize that we can't always have what we have fight for. Sometimes, letting go is the best choice we have. Sometimes, things are not working no matter how hard we try and that's okay.

It is okay to have dreams as high as we want. It's okay to dream something that seems impossible. It is completely okay to try and fail and try, try, try again.
But it is also okay to let go. 

It's a sorrowful fact that not all dreams end in victory. It takes time to really accept that not everything we want, we plan, is going to be smooth as we want it to be. To raise and learn from sad times, it's also a victory. To be able to accept the fact that God give us what we need not what we want, is a glory.

The good thing about follow your dream is the one that doesn't work out for us can lead you to something that is better than you could have ever imagined. It leads you to new chances, new places, new dreams. In my twenties, I'm glad I have realized one of many things that are necessary to understand: life works in a very mysterious way. If I hadn't followed my dream, I might would never be able to do an interview in English (which is not my first language) with confidence. I would never offered this job. To think further, it was only by trying to pursue one dream - tried and failed - that I was given another chance, hopefully the much better one.

After all, perhaps life should not ruled by single passion. Perhaps, life is supposed to be filled with numerous adventures, moving from one dream to another, try to find the right door for us. Perhaps, this is what life wants to teach us, to be a warrior of our dreams, to be stronger each day, to evolve. 

I didn't giving up, I put my dream aside for awhile. Maybe this year or next year not the right year for me to study abroad but work instead. Maybe three years from now, I'd be registered (again) as master student at that university or others, who knows. Maybe I'd be married to the love of my life. Who knows. What I know now is I am not failed, I earned new path from my dream. This is not the end, it is simply the moment that I have realized to start a new slate. This is only the beginning of many adventures.

Thanks for reading and good luck! xx


  1. you have no idea how much I NEED this post. it helps so much. i'm literally in the state of giving up on my dream and i'm so glad to stumble across your blog. THANK YOU so much!!!!

    1. thank you, Kaelyn. it means a lot to me that this post helps you xx

  2. sama banget pey. Aku keterima di UNSW sama Adelaide buat enrollment 2018, aku nyobain AAS udah 2x gak lolos, lpdp juga gagal di online assessment. Aku gak bisa apply chevening scholarship karena pengalaman kerja <2 tahun. Tapi ya Alhamdulillah aku keterima di UI.

    1. fa, ya ampun sepertinya story kita mirip-mirip. we should catch up! selalu ada hikmah di setiap jalan ya Alhamdulilah

  3. this post is needed by everyone. you're a beautiful person babe

  4. this is so true! i've been through similar story like yours and believe me, everything will turn out well specially for those who work hard. best of luck, vera!

    1. thank you and good luck for you too, nes! i hope everything turns out well for you xx

  5. you're so brave to share your "failure" on internet. i would never be as patient and positive as you are if I were you. this is so important for people to read.

  6. I don't know you personally but I've been following you on twitter and blog for a really long time and I'm sure you're very kind and genuine person. this post is gorgeous as you are


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