Friday, April 24, 2020

WHY I FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG


Have you ever feel like you don't belong? Either with someone, some group of people, a place, a so-called home? 

For the last two years, I felt so. 

The first time I felt it was 2 years ago when I went back to Indonesia after I spent a whole beautiful year in Australia. I thought, oh maybe this is just a phase. But the feeling stayed with me for the whole year! Every time I saw a photo or a video that reminded me of a certain place or moment in Australia, my heart ached. It wasn't only the feeling of wanting to go back or relive the moment again, but also the sense of belonging. 


As if I meant to be there.

Then the feeling grew to be something more complicated which was the need to leave my current place. I was no longer feeling safe, comfortable, and belong here. As if I no longer understood or related to my country home. I felt disconnected. For the first time, I didn't see myself to spend the rest of my life in a country that I was born in, the city where my loved ones live. I didn't see myself living here anymore but I couldn't just go. I became depressed. 

Every morning, I felt like a zombie. I did what I have to do but I didn't feel alive. Months past, I came to realise, this was so wrong. I had to do something. Maybe this is about my trauma. So I did something about it, I faced my trauma. Instead of feeling free, I was thinking, now I have no 'debt' to anyone, I can go wherever I want. I'm almost home.


But... Where do I belong?

Where is my home? This is my home. I live with my family, I can see my friends anytime, I don't have to worry about language barriers or cultural politeness, I don't have to think twice when I talk. But why am I feeling this way? Is it Melbourne? Is it Australia in general? 


Back in February, I realised something. I had a deep conversation with someone that changed my perspective and the way I feel. This sense of belonging is not about a place but about finding myself. 


I found myself in Australia - I learned so much when I was trying to survive there. I was living my best and worst life at the same time. The experience in 2018 changed me entirely. I was living a life that I always wanted in Australia but I was also slowly losing myself because of the abusive relationship that I had back then. 


The idea of going back to Indonesia haunted me because that's where the abuser lived. So when I had to go back, I was so terrified that I would be losing the happiness that I had in Australia, my happy-self. I was doing the right thing in 2018 and I couldn't do the same thing again because I was barricaded with the wall of fear. 


I was trying to bring back who I was before 2018 when I went back to Indonesia. I was trying to put the old me and my old life together when I was a completely different person with a new life to live.


The sense of belonging is not about a place. It's about how you feel. It's about something you searching for. I felt belong in Australia because I was searching for my best-self there. I was experiencing a new life with new challenges. I was searching for who I wanted to be and I found and love her so dearly. Now that I have back to my country home, what am I looking for? 

It's almost like a puzzle you have to complete, those little things in life that matter the most. It is all about finding myself again. It's about facing your reality and lives the life that you have right now. It's about being who you are and what you want to do no matter where you are and whom you are with. 

I hope whoever you are and wherever you are, you always feel like you belong. 



Love, Vera
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1 comment

  1. i feel i don’t belong to some group of people ��

    ReplyDelete

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