Friday, August 31, 2018

A LETTER TO THE MEN IN MY LIFE

Dear the First, 

I grew up watching you work so hard for us and yet, with all those days when you just work and work and work, almost like a never ending story, you still gave me the best days of my entire life. Not just for a little girl, but the days, the conversations, heaps of laughter and self-realisation lessons that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I don't know how all I know... you made all the impossible makes sense. 

We have ups and downs, and that's fine. We often debate in how you drive or how my perfectionist-self meet your impatient-self. We spend a lot of our times together in the car, you drive and I talk. It's magical to talk to you for hours and we always have something to talk about. 

Our favourite conversation is about my childhood. I'm so grateful and amazed you remember everything - even things I didn't remember. The way I learnt how to ride a bike, how often I fell, the first day of my swimming lesson, my first movie, even on my early teen, there was one time I was binge listening to Westlife. Only one question that we've never find out, why I have such a horrible phobia of frogs? It remains a mystery until now.

Now when I'm a thousand miles away from you, we still talk every day. I love this. We never changed. Distance just means nothing with you. What changed is... I'm no longer talk to you in person, not on your car, no more stuck in traffic with you. We talk on the phone every day - when you're off to work or going back home. When I'm already in my PJ, writing blog, just like right now! and I tell you about my day and you'll make silly comments that always, always make me laugh. 

You are an amazing human. 

You never break my heart, you build it. You help the soft, fearful heart blossoms into a strong, independent heart that has her own wings now to see the world. Thank you. You are my forever first love. 



Dear the Second,



Ever since a little girl, I always have this image inside my little head: I want someone who treats me like a Princess. I always want to be a Princess anyway. Years went by, this image changed into the idea of finding someone that can handle me at my best and worst. I met some boys, got my heart broken into pieces. Went into hell where dark clouds were all over my head. 

Until I met you. 


I met you a long time before I realised you could probably the one. Probably? Yes. We never know, right? Just like I never know you would mean this much to me. You can flip my life upside down. That's crazy that one person can take up your entire mind. You pulled me out from my hell, helped me to put on my armour to fight those voices inside my head. You hold my hand, walked me around to see the colours in the world. Then... you pushed me back to the darkness, played my love, one thing that I know for sure. It's amazing you always know how to turn the table, how it's so quick for you to decide. One day you want to fight for me, the next day I'm wasting your time. It's not nice at all.

However, I am grateful to have this chapter with you. We blossomed into something beautiful. I was, for once, felt so worthy and precious. I felt alive. I was happy. The lesson you gave to me will last forever. I learnt how to love someone when there are so many reasons to leave. I learnt about unconditional love. I learnt why it is important to put myself as a priority too. I don't know why you did what you did. I know you didn't mean to. Maybe this is just one part of our story. Maybe this is the end of the story.

Who knows and I don't have any expectation. I no longer wish something that maybe, I'm not supposed to wish for. Just so you know, I will love you, always.



Dear the Third, 


I know we never be this close before, not until our journey began. We're going through the similar experiences, to name a few, heartbreak, trauma, and finding a way to be comfortable with ourselves again. I wish I met you sooner. You are an amazing human and I will be forever grateful that you came across in my life. I don't know how we get here, but I like to think that our paths crossed because we meant to find each other. The universe brought us together for a reason that we’re supposed to help each other grow into people we were always meant to become. In a world full of people, we find each other to take the best care of our fragile hearts.

I never have something like this before, a beautiful thing that people called platonic friendship. I never knew this feeling that I have right now is so beautiful. And if nothing comes of this phase of my life, at least I’ve known that this feeling, the happiness that I shared with you, help me to see the wonderful world. This is something I will always keep close to my heart. It's really nice to know I have someone to rely on. 

Dear the Fourth,

You are the last person that I want to talk about but yet, you gave me the biggest lesson of my life. The pain you put in me will last. It's impossible to forget what you did, the pain, the trauma, the phase you threw me to. My life was hell. There's nothing good about you except the big mouth of yours that gave away false hope. I was only a teenager when I met you. I was falling to the idea of love, not falling in love. But then, I rose. I rose and I won. I won because despite all the pain you gave to me, I still walked and made so many achievements and you should be jealous. I'm ten steps ahead of you. 


Three out of four men in this letter are wonderful human beings. Two of them are holding my hands, helping me to be stronger and be more fearless to see the world. One of them will always, always be the painful lesson I will never forget. 



Love, Vera
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