Monday, October 30, 2017

GIVING UP ON DREAM

"Girls should not be afraid to be smart"- Emma Watson


For as long as I remember, one of my dreams is to study as high as I could. It might sounds pretentious but growing up, I always want to be someone who is known for her intelligence. It's not ambition, but I think being a smart woman is worth to fight. If I'm smart, my children will be the smart ones too. There's no disadvantage of being smart. 

When I was a student in junior high school, I was bullied because I often refused to hang out with my friends after school and my grades were higher than them (stupid reason to bully people, right? well, every bully always has stupid reason for stupid action). First, because it was school day. Second, my parents wouldn't let me to hang out on weekdays - or any days. Third, honestly, I prefer to stay at home doing homework rather than hang out and talking about boys and gossiping other girls. Well, yeah, you can call me nerd. It's okay. I am nerd. Nerd is cool ;) 

After graduated high school, I went to college and finish my bachelor degree within four years. I was graduated as Bachelor in Education, with major Indonesian Language and Literature Education. Before I graduated, two years before, I was writing down my plans what I would do after graduated. Finding a job that would be suit with my degree seemed not a good option at that time. I felt like my education, my degree, were not enough to fulfill my dreams. So I decided I'd continue my education. I'd apply to postgraduate schools. My closest ones knew I always wanted to study abroad but because of my health condition, I couldn't go for bachelor degree abroad so I would do on my master degree instead. 

Graduate college, earned good GPA, I was accepted in five out of seven universities I had applied, those are my dream universities to study to. I applied to prestigious universities at United Kingdom, Australia, United States and of course, my own country, Indonesia. I was offered from the university I always dreamt of - the one that everybody does. The day I got email from this university, I almost fainted. I'm still remember how happy I was: crying, screaming, hugging my Mom who was with me that morning. That day obviously one of the happiest days of my life. The highlight of my lowlife.

I was so proud of my achievement, all the hard works, tears, time I spent, it's all paid off. Even in smallest achievement we got, we should be proud. So, to say I wasn't happy and proud would be such a vast understatement. Few days after I received those acceptance letters, I immediately applied for scholarships. Every scholarship that I could find at that time.

In this journey to continue my master degree, I've failed my IELTS test but I rose and tried again and earned more than I needed. I've rejected in my first try for scholarship but I kept trying to find another. I got rejected on my second and tried again. I went through hard times with my personal life but it didn't stoping me to go after my dream. 

I had these letter of acceptance on my hands, letters that proved my ability and credibility to study at those universities, the chance to study with people who have the similar dreams with me, the moment to evolve to be someone I always dream of. I had took so many stairs to get these letters, I was half way there. I was so close to my dream.

Unfortunately, it wasn't my door. At least, not now. Not yet.


I failed in all of scholarships application I've ever tried. Some even failed when I didn't even have chance to fight. I was in the lowest phase of my life for months. It might sounds horrible and too much, but I didn't have much passion to finish my master degree in where I'm currently studying, because all I had in mind was I finally go to that university.


Few weeks after that, another door opened. Another thing that was completely far from what I had on my mind on my whole existence. I was offered a job, abroad, for a year (we get to this part in another post). I prayed, asking to Allah Swt., if this was the answer of my hopelessness. After few conversation with Allah Swt. (night praying, reading Qur'an, fasting) I was assured to take the job. I was ensured for what I need.


A week after that, I wrote an email to the Dean of the university (yes, that university) to decline my offer. I was crying whilst typing. I was crying all day. It was hard to let go, but it would be harder to keep fighting for something you didn't destined, yet. I was crying but also proud that I could let it go. I was crying to find my strength.


Some people said that we should never give up on our dreams and I believe in that, one hundred percent agree. But the past two and half years of trying, fighting, crying, praying, and learning, I realize that we can't always have what we have fight for. Sometimes, letting go is the best choice we have. Sometimes, things are not working no matter how hard we try and that's okay.



It is okay to have dreams as high as we want. It's okay to dream something that seems impossible. It is completely okay to try and fail and try, try, try again.
But it is also okay to let go. 

It's a sorrowful fact that not all dreams end in victory. It takes time to really accept that not everything we want, we plan, is going to be smooth as we want it to be. To raise and learn from sad times, it's also a victory. To be able to accept the fact that God give us what we need not what we want, is a glory.


The good thing about follow your dream is the one that doesn't work out for us can lead you to something that is better than you could have ever imagined. It leads you to new chances, new places, new dreams. In my twenties, I'm glad I have realized one of many things that are necessary to understand: life works in a very mysterious way. If I hadn't followed my dream, I might would never be able to do an interview in English (which is not my first language) with confidence. I would never offered this job. To think further, it was only by trying to pursue one dream - tried and failed - that I was given another chance, hopefully the much better one.



After all, perhaps life should not ruled by single passion. Perhaps, life is supposed to be filled with numerous adventures, moving from one dream to another, try to find the right door for us. Perhaps, this is what life wants to teach us, to be a warrior of our dreams, to be stronger each day, to evolve. 

I didn't giving up, I put my dream aside for awhile. Maybe this year or next year not the right year for me to study abroad but work instead. Maybe three years from now, I'd be registered (again) as master student at that university or others, who knows. Maybe I'd be married to the love of my life. Who knows. What I know now is I am not failed, I earned new path from my dream. This is not the end, it is simply the moment that I have realized to start a new slate. This is only the beginning of many adventures.


Thanks for reading and good luck! xx
Share:

Friday, October 27, 2017

PLAYLIST | INSTRUMENTAL


Why I listen to instrumental song? The answer to this question is actually very simple. 

When I listen to instrumental songs, I feel like my actual feelings burst out more than when I hear lyrical songs. From my perspective, instrumental speaks more than lyric because when the music goes straight to the ears, then touches the heart, the mind creates the perfect images and that's why we feel certain feelings.

It doesn't matter if the instrumental songs are the original soundtrack to certain films or theater. It won't affect our feelings because there's no statement - what I feel about one instrumental song will be different with other people because we don't share stories. Although if we did, we would have different perspectives.

Here are some of my favourite instrumental songs that have very special place in my heart. I will definitely make a part 2 because I have lots of favorite instrumental songs. 

Be picky to what you hear, it really helps you to get through your ups and downs. Enjoy xx
  1. Arrival - Dustin O'Halloran 
  2. Bach: Tocatta and Fugue - Vanessa Mae, Mike Balt, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra 
  3. Beautiful Lie - Hans Zimmer 
  4. Breathe - Stanton Lanier 
  5. Dumbledore's Farewell - Nicholas Hooper 
  6. Historiette No. 5 - Fabrizio Paterlini 
  7. il - Jean-Michael Blais 
  8. Lullaby Variation - Fernando Velásquez 
  9. Nuvole bianche - Ludovico Einaudi 
  10. Obliviate - Alexandre Desplat 
  11. Piano Sonata No. 14 - Ludwig van Beethoven 
  12. Primavera - Ludovico Einaudi 
  13. S.T.A.Y - Hans Zimmer 
  14. Saturn - Sleeping At Last 
  15. Searching for Home - Dustin O'Halloran, Hauschka
  16. The Departure - Max Ritcher 
  17. Time - Hans Zimmer 
  18. Truth - Ramin Djawadi 
  19. Uranus - Sleeping At Last 
  20. Who You Really Are - David Arnold, Michale Price 
Share:

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

BOOK | WHAT I'M GOING TO READ


Hello!

I just purchased some e-books and looking forward to read and finish them. Recently, it's hard for me to find time to read, even if I did have time, still hard to actually reading the book, not sure why. But since I had these new books on my iBook app, hopefully it's easier for me to read because I can read it everywhere ;) 

Here are five books I'm looking forward to read within a month or so! Thank you for your recommendations on my tumblr inbox!

  1. Crazy Rich Asian - Kevin Kwan 
  2. Girl in Pieces - Kathleen Glasgow 
  3. Our Chemical Hearts - Krystal Sutherland 
  4. The Art of Being Normal - Lisa Williamson 
  5. The Light We Lost - Jill Santopolo 

What's your current reading book? Would you like to recommend some? Let me know!
Share:

Sunday, October 22, 2017

BEAUTY | SUNDAY FACE PAMPER ROUTINE


I'm a big fan of having a pamper night in, a specific time we called 'me time'. I love to relax, unwind, and recharge my mood and energy. The after feeling of it that I'm always craving for. It doesn't matter when you want to do it, but I like to do it every Sunday evening so I feel like I'm ready to hit up Monday. 

To set the mood, I start with play my favorite music and for most of my pamper days, I choose instrumental songs - you're most welcome to play my playlist on my Spotify! Then, of course, I light my favorite scented candle. This is an affordable candle from Candle-Lîte Company. I love the soft cotton sheets scent because it's very relaxing, calming, soothing and of course, makes my room smells really good.


Share:

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

THROWBACK MOVIE | EP. 6 : MISS STEVENS (2016)


from left to right: Timothée Chalamet - Lily Rabe - Anthony Quintal - Lili Reinhart
Right on the first scene, this movie is already captured my attention. The opening scene, featured Rachel Stevens (Lily Rabe) sitting on the theatre room, crying and starring on the stage. When I watched it for the first time back in earlier 2017 - while I was binge watching indie movies, I thought this movie didn't get attention as it should be. It got me so hard on the first scene, kept asking myself what this movie was going to be about. 

Miss Stevens is about a 29 year old english teacher and three high school student who went to a two days trip for attending drama competition somewhere in California. The journey started with the road trip - which they got to know each other more than just teacher and students. Rachel tried so hard to keep the boundaries between her students while three of them were just as comfortable as they talked to their older friend. At first, I wasn't sure why Rachel kept such a boundary while there's nothing wrong with being close with students (I was a high school teacher once) but as the story went, I managed to understand the puzzle.
Share:

Friday, October 13, 2017

PLAYLIST | HONEY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!


I'm so cheesy, am I not? 

Anyway... despite my cheesy title to put more rainy season mood, here are the songs that I'm binge listening. Enjoy and stay warm! xx

  1. Alps - Novo Amor, Ed Tullett 
  2. Bedford Falls - Ford.
  3. Flowers - James Spaite 
  4. Hold On - Chord Overstreet 
  5. Hymn - Joel Porter
  6. Like Real People Do - Hozier 
  7. Perfect - Ed Sheeran
  8. Thin - Aquilo
  9. Wallowa Lake Monster - Sufjan Stevens
  10. Where's My Love - SYML
Share:

Thursday, October 12, 2017

MOVIE | BLADE RUNNER 2049 (2017)


One of the most anticipated movies this year has finally came to the theaters all around the world and I'm pretty sure, if you're a movie geek like I do, you already watched the film. I already watched it multiple times and still craving for another movie night out. That's how good this movie is. You want to watch it over and over and over.

Blade Runner 2049 is a cinematic miracle! This movie reminds me why I love movie, the pleasure of watching a movie, the joy of analyzing it, the satisfaction of writing a review. The movie that brings so much gratification in every moment of it. 

I have no words that possibly can explain how much I adore - no, worship this movie. This is that one movie which is perfect from every form: storywise, casting, cinematography, visual effects, sound mixing, directing, costume design, original score. This movie is everything I want in a futuristic themed movie.

Ridley Scott's Blade Runner (1982) is obviously something to die for, but this one, however, in the hands of Denis Villeneuve, the second installment became the magic of cinema. Although it supposed to be a sequel, this movie actually its own movie. This movie doesn't relying on the first movie. From the first aerial shot with the perfect score from the one and only, Hans Zimmer, we already know this movie will last forever. It's not something that is easy to forget, it will be extremely impossible.

Okay, let's begin. Shall we?

Share:

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

22 RANDOM QUESTIONS

I love answering this kind of random questions, it's fun! Here are my answers to twenty two questions I found on tumblr

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
-- I'd be 17, young and free. 

2. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
-- because we tend to rely on what society think, what society want and expect us to be not what WE want us to be. 

3. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
-- the narrow mind society have. 

4. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
-- I'd be working out more, eating healthier, telling all my closest ones that I love them so much and thanks for helping me to evolve. 

5. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
-- doing the right things. we really need to take care of this.

6. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
-- always be yourself no matter what.

7. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
-- that I stay true to myself, not being what society want me to be. most people around me still pretending to be someone they're not.

8. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
-- I want to go skydiving, it looks fun but dangerous at the same time. I just can't go, it gives me anxiety even to look at the pictures.

9. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
-- yes I am. I really need to let it go.

10. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
-- I want to move to London, England. I always a big fan of it, such a great city to live. Everything is so beautiful. but I will have my own experience about this moving thing soon, although it's not England but it's okay.

11. Why are you, you?
-- because this is who I'm working to be. I'm a slow learner, but I do learn. I'm a work in progress, I keep evolving to be better person each day. 

12. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
-- when a good friend moves away. if i lost touch with a friend near me, there must be a reason. good friend won't losing touch no matter how far the distance but when my good friend moves away, I can't hug her every time I need her. It's sad. 

13. What are you most grateful for?
-- to be who I am and where I am right now. basically to be alive and having dreams to live. 

14. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
-- lose all of my old memories. 

15. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
-- it hasn't and hopefully it will never happen. 

16. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
-- I couldn't recall. I assume it's not matter anymore now because if it mattered, I would remember. 

17. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
-- the first time I went to the beach with my parents. it was also the first ever long vacation we had, I was 5 or 6 that time. I remember I was so happy, I felt like I was the happiest 5 year old in the planet because I was in the perfect place with most important people in my life. 

18. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
-- yes I have. 

19. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
-- no, I wouldn't. 

20. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
-- being alive is just existing. truly living is being alive and keeping your dreams alive, working on your dreams and make meaning on your live with all of your love ones. 

21. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
-- I would ask many questions as I have about every single thing in the world so I could always learn and learn and learn. 

22. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
-- I'm making my own decision because this is my life, my sky, my limit. 
Share:

Monday, October 09, 2017

A DAY IN MY LIFE | I'M SUCH A SWEET TOOTH

This is just a glimpse of my casual afternoon when I'm out and about on brunch and lunch with my friends. There are some days I eat very healthy but of course, there are days that I just eat what I'm craving for. Today is one of those unhealthy days. I ate in two different places because I met up with different people so... Life is good ;)

What's your favorite food? Thanks for reading! xx 


Share:

Sunday, October 01, 2017

PLAYLIST | THE BEST THINGS MY EARS EVER LISTENED TO


I always share my favorite songs every month but I never really share which songs that are life changing for me. These songs have really special place in my heart, either because the memories or just basically great songs to listen to.

You can see that my music genre is basically everything. I can go from Elvis to Lewis Del Mar here. I mean, I don't have specific genre to listen, I love good songs. That's about it.

Enjoy part 1 of my list. I will definitely make part 2 soon ;)
Share:
Blogger Template Created by pipdig